The blue lagoon
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: So many things can happen in the smoky night of Chinatown WK fic Thank you very much, Miss. H
1. The blue lagoon

**_The blue lagoon_**

The night had fallen over the city in a whirl of icy darkness, a damp fog of shadows sliding along the walls of the buildings. The streets were deserted, abandoned to the mercy of the rain that seemed to be coming from the depths of thick clouds suspended above, falling down in an invisible motion until the lights caught the drops and they hit you by surprise like the knife of a mugger against the throat of some unfortunate soul.

New York never slept but owned a singular capacity to vary according to the time and the shades of the sky; boiling during the day, quietly alive by night as if the lousy comings and goings led by the sun simply turned into a thousand of murmurs when the moon started its reign over America. You might have come to think that the city had actually stopped its incredible turmoil for it looking so calm but the truth was hidden behind the heavy curtains of the flats, the large doors of the clubs and the dirty windows of rickety shacks.

If you pricked up your ear, a whole new world of sounds suddenly spread all around; stifled voices, laughs, moans and sighs.

The wind got another trajectory and pushed the rain to hit the window in silence. The first drop crashed before beginning its down grade against the glass; then disappeared, absorbed by the bricks of the wall. They had turned on one of the lamps of the bedside table but the power of the bulb was so weak that it only gave a sort of yellow shade to the room, disappearing behind the dust of the window like the lights of some car lost among a thick fog.

It didn't matter anyway. They knew each other's body by heart, the least inch of skin, the curves of the hips; the shapes of the shoulders. They could have stayed in complete darkness and it wouldn't have changed anything. She had simply arrived earlier and so turned the light on to read the flyers left on the shaky table by some conscientious manager, with a fake attention; undressing herself all along, almost absent-mindedly. It hadn't been long before he opened the door, a mischievous smile on his lips.

She kissed his neck, sucking on the fine skin and sped up the pace of their thrusts. His hand was travelling down her spine, caressing her buttocks before going up again and getting lost in her hair. A burning sensation began to grow in her lower stomach. She sat up and ached her back; biting her lower lip as his fingers reached her breasts. She closed her eyes and leaned her head backwards, thus reaching a new angle; the most sensitive one. It made her gasp and she swallowed hard. A gentle caress on her nape resulted enough to reach a point of no-return and she let her orgasm take possession of her; smiling softly between her sigh, shivering on top of him, feeling the heat of his own body inside her.

The light click of the lighter broke down the silence. She lit her cigarette and started playing with the smoke, drawing hearts in the air; staring at the dirty window. The palm of his hand came to warm up her bare flesh as he put it down against her lower back, just at the limit of her waist. He passed on top of her and kissed her neck. She laughed then closed her eyes to enjoy, at the most, his naked body against hers, the weight of his chest on her back; his legs against her hips. She didn't turn around to face him but remained on her stomach as his lips were going down slowly in a trail of mischievous kisses.

She knew where he was heading to, and why.

"Do you ever think about something else than that tattoo?"

His tongue began to lick it slowly, following the curves, the intertwined circles engraved on her bare waist. She narrowed her eyes, succumbing to his ministrations little by little then shook her head; moaning.

"Do you ever think about something else that having your way with me?"

His body slid against hers as he made his way back up to her neck, spreading her legs. She grabbed his head and leaned against his shoulder as he began to move inside of her.

"I don't really mind anyway…"

She jumped as he passed his arms around her waist and leaned his chin on her shoulder, looking in the same direction as her.

"What is so interesting in the street at one in the morning?"

She raised an eyebrow and pouted. She had forgotten to put in her contact lenses so the world had turned into a blurry ensemble of loose forms that the darkness of the night and the thickness of the fog increased cruelly.

"Nothing happens, nothing; absolutely nothing."

He grabbed his clothes and proceeded to put them on then cleared his voice to get her attention but she didn't move; vaguely motioned a nod.

"See you soon…"

She listened to his steps in the stairs, the door getting opened and very soon he appeared in the street. It was still raining. He huddled up under his coat and started walking as her fingertips drew the lines of his figure with the dust of the window.

"Good-bye, Will…"

A stifled noise made her turn around; her cell phone was vibrating on the bedside table. She came back to the bed, clasped her bra, put her thong on but didn't take the call. With a last look in the mirror of the bathroom to adjust her hair, she grabbed her purse then left as the answering machine set off and her high-pitched voice resounded loud in the depths of the phone.

_Hi it's Karen. I'm not available right now so please leave a message; thanks._

_Karen, it's me; Stan. Where are you? I've just come back home and… Well, I love you._

She stepped out and stopped, staring at the lights of Chinatown in the smoky night. She opened her umbrella; started walking away from the neon of the hotel reflected on the damp asphalt, the letters of _The Blue Lagoon_ vanishing in a wave of rain lost in the singularity of her life.


	2. Because after the night

**_Because after the night there's always some day_**

The door got closed a bit violently. She jumped, sat down on an old leather armchair but nonetheless kept on staring at it; how the room seemed so small when you blocked the access to the corridor. You felt trapped inside, between the thick walls, the books turning oppressive all around you. She blinked twice and sighed as her fingers began to pad subconsciously on the arms of the seat in a nervous motion, a troubling state of mind. How come this house was so silent sometimes? With all the people living there, she should have heard a constant murmur going on. It shouldn't have been so calm.

She stood up and leaned against the window but closed her hazel eyes as soon as she looked below at the street. A slight vertigo took possession of her mind; she shivered, crossing her arms.

When was it supposed to sound wrong? Was it when the guilt had finally penetrated her heart or when she tended to privilege her lover over the man she had married? She passed her tongue over her lips and laughed quietly at the superficiality of such wonders. She couldn't have found a better cliché, a more pathetic one. The dizzy smell of whiskey went to her head as she brought the glass to her mouth and took a sip. It was only ten in the morning and the world had already adopted the shades of some blurry weirdness. It wasn't that she felt like drinking but she simply didn't like Sunday mornings for being so far from them; she was lonely.

Rosario made her way into the library and stopped a few steps away from her; hands on her hips. She looked worried or indifferent; pissed off, maybe. The millionaire narrowed her eyes at her and shrugged, waiting for the next move.

"Do you have any plans, Miss Karen?"

She gulped down the rest of her drink and put the glass back on some table before leaving the room in a taciturn whisper.

"Since when do I have anything to do on Sunday mornings?"

She could count on the fingers of a hand how many times she and Stanley had smiled at each other in the past months; how many times they had kissed and talked without arguing into an incomprehensible silence that summarized it all. But it couldn't be over; they couldn't have failed. Marriage crisis only constituted a bad patch and they would overcome it as they always did.

She took off her bathrobe and plunged her toes delicately in the water to check the temperature. She sat down on the tub and tried to relax; head backwards leaned against the marble walls. She wished she could feel him inside of her, right now; moving slowly, kissing her neck, caressing her breasts. She loved having sex; that was a fact that she would have not denied. People used to say that involved feelings make it even better. She thought it was more about boldness; just a matter of positions and the natural compatibility with your partner. Sex was carnal, certainly not sweet as some romance, or beautiful love stories. In a word; it suited life very well for the abruptness of the movements and the weird sentiment of loneliness it left then when it was all over and you came to face nobody but yourself.

Her hand went down her chest before resting between her legs. She gasped, moaned and ached her back as the pressure stirred up her sensations. She closed her eyes and tried to picture him; breathing loud against her cheek, swallowing hard against her ear. Encounters were unexpected as much as the choice of the man she would do it with. There had been a lot of them, so different. It was still so surprising that Will resulted to be on the top of her list but he was good at it and it was all she actually asked; weekly hours of satisfaction far from The Upper East Side, lost in the darkness of Chinatown.

At least she had the sensation to leave it all behind, to cross the frontiers of another country so perhaps nobody would have to feel guilty; for anything. Her breath became louder as she speeded up the pace and smiled; swallowing hard. She had to see him that night, in the afternoon if he was free. The game was definitely better with it being two. There was an exciting perversion in the fact of being observed having an orgasm. And the heat of the other's body was a must that had nothing to do with a mere, lonely pleasure in the depths of a tub.

"What happened to your sexual preferences?"

She had asked him after their first time while he was putting his clothes back on and she was laid in bed; on her stomach, completely naked. Her eyes were fixed on an invisible point between Will's own bare skin and the wall of the hotel room. He had grabbed his shirt and shrugged.

"You turned them upside down."

Raising an eyebrow, she had smiled; laughing.

"All the pleasure's been for me…"

"I wouldn't be that sure."

He had squatted down before her and kissed her deeply.

What was love anyway? Since when did it have to be an obligation?

She bit her lower lip and stifled a last moan while shivering slowly, peacefully. Her lungs filled with air and she let a heavy sigh escape from her lips.

Where was the problem with having casual sex between friends as long as the rules were clear?

She grabbed her cell phone and typed a text message.

_At The blue lagoon, 10pm; Karen_

She didn't even hesitate and pressed the 'send' button, then looked at the screen until Will's number vanished.


	3. The principles of marriage and Will

**_The principles of marriage and Will_**

The office was plunged into a suffocating silence that only punctuated from time to time by the rain drops falling on the window and the rustle of the paper; a pen brushing a new sketch. She sighed heavily and looked up at Grace who was highly concentrated. She passed her tongue over her lips, biting them; she narrowed her eyes. Nail file in hands, she curbed her wrist backwards and gained momentum but a hand suddenly stopped her movement, stealing the object from her grip. She gasped and looked up at Will.

The exchanged gaze resulted furtive, almost inexistent. For a couple of seconds her hazel eyes stared at his brown ones in silence. None of them smiled, barely moved as his hand was still on her wrist, suspended in the air. She wished she could have rushed up in his arms and kissed him roughly; pushed him against the wall, and got rid of his pants. She raised an eyebrow, breaking the awkward moment, amused by the fact he was probably craving for a similar fantasy.

"It looks like we just avoided a terrorist attack against you, Gracie."

The attorney made his way to his friend's desk who finally noticed his presence, a bit lost though before his remark as she had stayed absorbed in her sketches the whole time. Will threw the nail file on the desk; Karen was already back on the contemplation of some pointless article, the words dancing in front of her eyes. How come mere thoughts could make her breathe louder? It hadn't lasted more than a couple of seconds. Very slowly she observed his ankles, went up his legs to stop on his buttocks and the lines of his back.

"There's absolutely no way I'll sleep in the same bed as her. This is an idea that goes against nature; and mental balance."

The dark-haired woman frowned and looked at Grace a bit perplexed. She had finally abandoned her chair in a false attempt to take part in the conversation. As a matter of fact, it was all about making contact with Will's body. Her knee brushed his thigh from behind. He spread his legs; her hip came to caress his inner flesh.

"What are you talking about? Who is not allowed to sleep in your bed? I don't understand."

The interior designer shrugged and motioned in the air absent-mindedly.

"My mother is coming to New York. She needs a bed; on her own."  
Karen blinked. Obviously she was missing the lines.  
"And so what, she can sleep in Will's bed."  
The attorney scoffed and made a step backwards; his back molding her own body. She loved their invisible teasing games even though she always ended up panting and growling in frustration for not being able to fully satisfy her desires.  
"And then where do I go?"  
"Why, can't you sleep with Grace?"

Both friends looked at each other with such a horrified expression on their faces that Karen rolled her eyes; her hand sliding almost innocently on Will's buttocks before disappearing between his legs. He simply moved his coat right in front of his pants so that Grace didn't see the slightest thing.

"Then you can come over to the manse and let your flat to Grace; not that Stanley really cares anyway… If he ever notices your presence."

Her foot caressed his ankle. Couldn't they find a good excuse to steal five minutes from people's time and satisfy their own desires? Foreplays didn't make it all.

The attorney seemed to study her offer, vaguely pouting and trying not to show how aroused he was by her effective ministrations on him.

"I will certainly not have sex with you at home. I do have principles, you know."

She glanced at him, raising an eyebrow seductively as she proceeded to take off her stockings. He was sat on the bed, observing her fingers sliding on her skin in a mechanical strip-tease. They had got a new room, still overlooking the street but the window was larger; just next to the neon of the hotel and the letters of _The blue lagoon _got reflected on the walls like some mute movie. She unclasped her bra, turned around and kneeled down on the bed before going slowly to him. A mischievous smile played on her lips.

She looked down at his boxers and bit her lower lip; straddling him, she locked her eyes with his as her fingers were going down his stomach until they reached the object of her attention and she started caressing him.

"No sex is allowed in my Upper East Side manse. It's a place sacred by marriage. Orgasms don't belong to the game out there unless money can make you get off."

She kissed his chest, tracing an invisible path down to his waist until her mouth joined her fingers and she took off his boxers to make full contact with his bare flesh; her tongue sliding on it slowly, playfully. He passed his hand through her hair and pushed her instinctively closer to him then moaned and leaned his head backwards against the pillow.

"That must be why I'm not into the marriage thing."

She giggled against him but didn't stop her movements; even went a bit faster. A couple of minutes passed by before she finally straddled him properly and started moving, capturing his lips in a hungry kiss. She broke apart, her mouth caressing his face as they speeded up the pace and she murmured against his ear.

"That must be why I'm here."

"Then let's go for it."

Will grabbed her waist roughly and pushed her down against the mattress, passing on top of her. She burst out laughing, adjusted her hips; letting him go deeper, never breaking eye-contact with him. She leaned up and captured back his lips in a passionate kiss.


	4. Pleasure and nonsense

**_Pleasure and non-sense_**

She liked his legs. They defined a perfect curve from his feet to his buttocks; the shades of mischievousness in the shadows of his inner thighs keeping the secret of her whim safe. The object of hungry desires. Her tiptoes went up them slowly, tracing little circles all along until they came to rest on his lower stomach; just at the limit of his waist. She leaned up on her elbow and narrowed her eyes at him. Her arm was crossing her chest, emphasizing the size of her breasts. She passed her tongue over her swollen lips and pushed a strand of hair away mechanically, that came back almost immediately in front of her face.

The rain was still pouring and the neon of _The blue lagoon_ seemed to invade the blanket of the bed in a singular wave of red and blue. It looked gloomy and for the very first time in a while Karen swallowed back a furious urge to run away and stop it all but Will moved towards her, rolling on his stomach; passed his hand on her cheek. She kissed his fingers before capturing his lips in a deep kiss.

It was easy to forget everything once her tongue intertwined his and she felt his body react under her touch. The attraction was too strong, almost unbearable and she would have died for the contact of his stomach against hers; the heat of his flesh and the pace of his thrusts inside of her. He grabbed her waist and pulled her against him. She let him do without saying a word, her eyes locked with his. Her breath became louder as he approached his face from hers. She opened her mouth in a motion of anticipation but the attorney's lips went straight to her hips. She simply spread her legs and caressed his back with her feet.

It had been a complete non-sense of a pure logic; nothing more, nothing less. She had felt lonely and angry. It had just been another argument with Stanley but obviously enough to make her brush the limits and abdicate, convincingly resigned, to the bitter taste of an affair. The first glass of Scotch had very soon been followed by another but her mind hadn't been weakened by alcohol and she assumed it all without the slightest complain.

She had made the first step with a disconcerting self-confidence. He had just come over for some papers, they talked for a bit. Until the last second before her lips joined his, she had absolutely no idea of what was coming. Perhaps she would have gone away before, though the pleasure brought by their casual encounters seemed to indicate the exact opposite. The truth was that she had been surprised by his response when they had broken apart, breathless, and looked at each other in the silence of the library. Someone had knocked on the door; she had said she was busy. From a sitting position their first kiss had led them rather quickly to a bolder one; more serious too.

He had kissed her back, stealing her breath unexpectedly and her doubts had flown away little by little before the sensations stirred up by her new intimacy with Will. Like any kind of human relationship the beginning had reached a high degree of excitement, highlighted by the danger put over her marriage. She had just wished the sparkling flame appearing in her eyes as soon as they both got undressed would remain. It did, if not got more and more intense as the weeks were passing by.

It's not that she didn't mind about Grace and Jack, all the things it meant, but she simply saw it as a part of her personal life and it was nobody's business but hers and Will's.

Sometimes she wondered what he thought about it, how he perceived the whole situation though like an odd timidity over it they remained quiet; didn't dare to speak about it, just in case it would jam the machine. It wasn't worth it.

She ached her back as his tongue made contact with her bare flesh between her legs and her brain released a high dose of oxytocin over her body. She moaned, panted and caressed his head with her knee, knowing how it could drive him crazy; how close she was to let it go in a wave of intense pleasure. His mouth was hot and his gestures so precise that she wondered how many women he had slept with. Certainly not just two; there were some things that you couldn't keep on hiding so well. His tongue was tracing little circles before going down on the whole length; coming back to the neuralgic center of her feelings, vaguely bumping against her bones when he pressed his lips a bit too tight, increasing the sensation of deepening his ministrations on her and she loved it.

She held her breath as the well-known burning sensation began to grow in her stomach and almost bit his lips as he suddenly stopped and kissed her roughly instead. He didn't have time to place himself properly between her legs; her ankles pushed him with strength inside of her as her hips began to move and give rhythm to heir thrusts.

His teeth started playing with her earlobe; she smiled, delighted, making full contact with his body. She loved feeling the shapes of his back against the palm of her hands, the shoulder blades, the spine; all the muscles, so tensed up under his thrusts.

"Kare…"

His lips brushed her ear as her name resounded loud in a murmur of ecstasy, his tongue caressing her lobe. A mere contact on his fingertips with her breasts and she shivered in a restrained sigh, holding him tight against her chest; still, under his fast movements. For some reason she always remembered her first orgasm when she reached climax with Will. It had taken her by surprise, and the sentiment of having left the world for an unknown dimension had owned a singular intensity she had only been able to find back with the attorney.

There was definitely no reason for them to stop it.


	5. The light of the day is distinctive

**_The light of the day is distinctive_**

"If there's one place where you can find it then it's here, honey. Chinatown is the weirdest area of the world and owns absolutely everything; from pills to…"

Karen looked at Jack and smiled mischievously before leaning on his arm and burst out laughing. She felt fine. The gray clouds were still low in the sky, oppressing New York with menacing waves of storms but she didn't mind. Life was great and light. She was happy to be there; in this world, with people who sounded right to her heart. Stanley had left in the early morning to The Bahamas without saying a word, just a vague kiss on her nose and a veil of sadness in his eyes. It had touched her more than what she would have thought and for a couple of seconds she had wondered why they had come to this point. Was it written somewhere? They barely saw each other, the manse turning into the labyrinth of an incomprehensible failure.

They went by Bayard Street and went down very slowly, looking at the window stores and the exotic letters on it. America seemed to be so far once you had crossed the invisible doors of Chinatown and entered the narrow streets where the purest New Yorker would have felt homesickness invade his soul slowly. They stopped in front of a stall. The dark-haired woman picked up a litchi and bit into it; the juice running on her chin. She leaned over and put an instinctive hand under to catch the liquid. She was all smiles.

"What are you hiding from me, Karebear? You're not yourself. It's kind of scary…"

She scoffed dramatically at Jack's remark in an amused motion but deep inside herself an alarm began to shriek until her brain cells got the message and came back to a complete control over the situation. Since when was it so bad to be happy?

"I'm perfectly fine. I'm just… I don't know. It's a good day, that's all."

They started walking again hand in hand until she spotted a very small shop at the corner of Doyers Street and her eyes sparkled devilishly. She looked like a teenager.

"I want a new tattoo, Jackie."

The actor stared at her in disbelief, opened his mouth to reply but seemed to balance his words before changing his reply; he shrugged, vaguely interested.

"What kind of thing would you like to get then?"

She pouted; looked down almost intimidated. Her voice got absorbed in the traffic and the words flew away like a minuscule torrent of murmurs.

"I want 'blue lagoon' written with Chinese symbols on my ankle."

"You mean like this sign?"

Her hazel eyes followed his index finger as he motioned to something in the air. Her smile froze; she blinked. The hotel was standing there, under the gray sky of the afternoon. It was the first time she saw it under a light different from the artificial one of the night. It looked sordid, ruined, about to fall down into pieces as soon as the rats would rush out from the main door and vanish under the pile of trash cans abandoned against a condemned window. She could barely believe that they had chosen this place over any other; all the palaces she could afford. They had come to the entrails of Hell, following the reflected image of their sin. She shivered, closed her eyes.

"The light is not the same by night…"

He passed his fingers over her swollen skin and made a face, worried that his touch might have hurt her.

"I wish I had your guts."

She smiled at him and grabbed his hand, pushing him closer to her body.

Her ankle still sore a little but she didn't regret it. She kissed him deeply, caressing his bare skin; passing on top of him. His fingers passed underneath her silky top. He took it off slowly, brushing her breasts through her bra; she unbuttoned his pants.

"Are you sure you can go into some dirty activity right now?"

She stood up on the bed, her eyes locked with his and reached for her thong under her skirt; got it of slowly before smirking. Her foot caressed his leg and she sat back on him. She leaned over, brushing his lips.

"I should be able to handle it."

Her laugh got lost in their kiss as the sound of her voice slid on her tongue and disappeared on his.

She left with him around three in the morning. The rain had set off again and so she huddled against him; under his umbrella as she was vaguely limping, her tattooed flesh burning.  
She didn't look behind at the façade; avoided the slightest gaze towards the door or the trash cans. She knew they were there but the light of the night hid them methodically. The moon appeared and it was all about pleasure, moans, sighs and kisses; a hand on a hip, swollen lips on the flesh. The day was made up of enough sordid elements and to leave the exhilaration of feelings and casual encounters to the peaceful rhythm of the night like a mother singing a lullaby to her beloved child.

They came back to the manse, shared a chaste good-night kiss and closed the door of their respective bedrooms. What would Stanley think about her new tattoo? She rolled on her stomach and pulled on the sheets then closed her eyes. For that he had to notice it in the first place and it had been so long since the last time he had touched her. She fell asleep thinking about the light of the night and why it was softer than the crudeness of the day. It simply hid imperfections and failures; just buried regrets.


	6. Rules

**_Rules_**

_Rule 1_

_Nobody belongs to anyone. There's no exclusivity. Both bodies are independent, free of any kind of obligations. Marriage, dates, friendship, sexual encounters; everything is allowed and will always be while stepping out of the hotel. Life just goes on._

She brought chocolate to his lips and he bit into it slowly. She waited a couple of seconds before kissing him, the taste of cacao emerging in her mouth in a sweet caress. He broke apart and let his hands travel down her back until they came to brush her buttocks. They slid on her hips. She was sitting against him, her legs wrapped around his waist, obviously not at all disturbed by her nakedness arousing his own body. She put her arm on his shoulder, leaned on the palm of her hand and looked at him with casualness.

"So how is he?"

"You mean in bed?"

She smiled and shrugged; raised an eyebrow, pouted.

"Well its not only what you two do; tell me more about him. I haven't met him yet."

Will narrowed his eyes as if the image of his new date was far too blurry and incomplete in his head. For a couple of seconds Karen wondered if he even remembered his name. She kept that comment for herself, like all the other ones. This guy would go away within a month. They always did.

"He's quite tall, dark hair; green eyes."

"Sounds good; have you slept with him yet?"

The attorney nodded but didn't say a word. There wasn't even the slightest sparkling flame in his eyes. Karen sighed and cleared her voice, a bit embarrassed. Her tongue ran on his lips before joining his as her hand went down and started massaging him; end of the conversation.

_Rule 2_

_It might just be a room, a bit lame and gloomy, but it's the only place where it has to happen. The neon of The blue lagoon looks after the 'sessions' in the silence of its improbability. Nobody has to be stalked or accompanied while going there; by cab. No driver, nothing; the door gets closed and fantasies are released between the four walls where a desk faces a bed and the tap in the bathroom lets water drops fall down at regular pace._

She jumped as a hand blocked the doors of the elevator and opened them with strength. She looked up, hid her surprise as Will made his way inside and pressed the button to Grace's office. They began to go up until the machine stopped abruptly. A bit anxious, she grabbed the emergency phone to notify the problem; and became paler as the janitor announced that they would stay stuck for an hour.

Without really knowing why or how, she found herself kissing him wildly. He pushed her against the wall, passed his hands under her skirt; got rid of her thong as she unzipped his pants. She was breathing loud under the audacious tricks of his tongue on her neck. He lifted her up; she squeezed his waist and pushed him deeper, aching her back for a better penetration. She gasped, grabbed his head against her neck; getting lost in the murmurs of sighs.

The doors opened and Grace shook her head at them, an amused smile playing on her lips.

"I'm surprised to see that you didn't kill each other in that thing."

Karen went straight to the window, opened it and took a deep breath of fresh air; looking back at her friend. Will shrugged as his fingers went absent-mindedly over the desk.

"I think we would have probably ended up eating each other."

She lit a cigarette to hide the smile appearing on her lips.

_Rule 3_

_Nobody has to know, ever. It requires silence, probably a couple of lies but it's only for the good of everyone. Every single clue has to be destroyed; from receipts to condoms, the vague smell of perfume, aftershave, lipstick. Words must be controlled and highly balanced to avoid doubt and suspicions._

Grace took the wedding band between her fingers and studied it slowly with attention. The diamonds were shining under the sun, embraced by the delicacy of the finest work over the metal. It was incredibly simple but owned the elegance of modesty, something that went above the spotlights of lousy, glimmering jewels that lacked this natural refinery.

"I wish someone proposed me…"

Karen took back the ring, passed it on her finger and looked at it bitterly; thinking about Stanley, the last time they had kissed. She didn't remember it.

"You shouldn't. Marriage isn't a dream but a compromise and it's once you have accepted the deal that you realize what you have just lost. Routine wins over your feelings and the only thing that keeps you smiling is the perspective of finding again your lover's arms."

The dark-haired woman's comment took Grace aback; not only for the confession of failure it had let appear, the weaknesses of a life, but for all the rest. It was unexpected. She swallowed hard and locked her eyes with Karen's.

"Are you having an affair?"

The millionaire looked aside and shrugged, smiling softly. She raised her eyebrows as her voice pierced the silence of the office in a shaky tone.

"It's the only way to stay alive, sweetie."

_Rule 4_

_There're no feelings involved but the ones stirred up by sex, ministrations over each other's body; orgasms. It's not a love story but an affair. It will never turn into something else and if one of the partners is unable to fulfill this requirement then everything's over unless the concerned person can stay quiet and accept the fact it's all about casual encounters._

"I'm thinking about breaking up with Brad."

She took off his boxers and looked up at him, surprised. From all the guys Will had dated, this one deserved a chance to share a bit more time in the attorney's life. He was smart, funny and good-looking. She really liked him. He got rid of her top, unclasped her bra and laid her down on the bed, spreading her legs.

"He's a great guy. I'm going to miss him. What happened to you two so that you came to such a conclusion?"

Will shrugged, sighed and headed his tongue right on her sensitive spot. She ached her back and gasped, surprised by the absence of transition, the lack of minimalist foreplays but nonetheless succumbed to his touch and caresses. She closed her eyes and passed her hand through his hair; bit her lower lip as a sigh escaped quietly from her mouth. A boiling heat began to invade her lower stomach and she pushed him away, breathless.

"Stop it…"

She turned around, leaned up on her knees and hands then looked at him behind and winced. His body covered her back, his hips brushing hers under deep thrusts. He began to kiss her neck as one of his hands travelled down her lower stomach before coming back between her legs. His lips reached her ear as he whispered in a breathless sigh.

"Something's lacking when I'm with him."

She closed her eyes and let their movements take possession of her but couldn't help smiling, feeling light before his decision towards Brad. She wasn't in love with Will; she just didn't want to share him with anyone. She had always been a bit selfish.

_Conclusion of the rules_

_Why do we always come up with rules if we never respect any of them?_


	7. The ball came back and hit her face hard

**_The ball came back and hit her face hard_**

"Would you mind if I use your cell phone to send a message? My Blackberry is acting up."

She looked up at Stanley and smiled, tending the item to him. The afternoon was reaching its end and the temperatures had lowered in an abrupt way, causing the gray clouds to break into pieces and release the rain from their hearts. The fire was on, the wood crackling under the flames in the library where a peaceful silence seemed to accompany Stanley and Karen's reads.

He excused himself, stood up from the couch and went to lean on the window, vaguely looking at the avenue below in the first minutes of the early night. The dark-haired woman put down her book, stretched her legs and sighed.

"What time do you want to have dinner?"

Stanley turned around and looked blankly at her; his hands were shaking so he tightened his grip on the phone before clearing his voice.

"I won't be here tonight. I'm sorry."

She opened her mouth to reply but lacked the strength to do it. She nodded and went back to her novel but her concentration had flown away. She felt upset; and betrayed for whatever reason, more or less fair. Stanley came back slowly and sat down next to her, hugging her softly. He pushed away a strand of hair her from her face and kissed her cheek.

"What are you reading?"

"It's _The Bridges of Madison County_. You know, the movie's based on it."

The millionaire nodded and grabbed the edition of The New York Times; opening it to the economic section, and plunging into some incomprehensible article about the Japanese market. His tongue clasped against his teeth and he raised his eyebrows, he nonetheless, still gave full concentration to the newspaper.

"The end of this story is so sad. She should have gone away with her lover instead of staying with her husband."

She fixed her hazel eyes on his inexpressive face and blinked, completely taken aback by his remark.

"Perhaps she was just afraid to hurt him."

"But love is also about being selfish. She wasn't happy with him and she sacrificed her life. It's heartbreaking, isn't it?"

Karen didn't answer. She shivered and left, feeling incredibly tired all of a sudden. Her cell phone remained on a table; right on the history of her sent messages; the last one she had sent to Will.

Her tiptoes moved in the air, balancing from left to right in a singular dance. She looked at them and pouted as the furious gestures of Will turning the pages of his agenda in her back filled the room with the sound of injured wings unable to fly anymore.

"Karen, are you pregnant?"

She turned around and frowned at him in disbelief before shaking her head. She shrugged and scoffed.

"Excuse me?"

The attorney sat up nervously. Obviously something sounded wrong and she was missing it.

"We've come here six weeks in a row…You haven't had your period while we usually can set our watch by you. It's every 15th of the month. What happened?"

She restrained a dubitative smile; halfway between the sweetness of the attention he was paying to her own body and the scary sentiment that he might know a bit too much of her intimacy.

"You have noticed it?"

She was smiling frankly now; her eyes sparkling. She looked amused, highly amused before Will's evident panic.

"Why, I'm not blind or stupid. I may not have a lot of experience with women but I do know some things."

"Yeah I'm not stupid either and I know you have a lot more experience than what you want to say…"

The attorney blushed but didn't say a word. She went on.

"I skipped it. I didn't feel like having my period so I just kept on taking my pills. Don't freak out; it's okay. We're fine and safe."

She rolled on her stomach and got rid of his agenda then locked her eyes with his; biting her lower lip. She made her way very slowly to him and slid along his naked body. Her lips arrived against his mouth. She brushed it, passing her tongue over his flesh before kissing him deeply.

Her cell phone vibrated on the bedside table but she didn't pay attention at all. Will got on top of her and started his way down her neck, her breasts, her stomach; her inner thighs. She closed her eyes and moaned.

Grace's mother had left the week before so Will had retreated to his flat in the perfect anonymity of his shared closeness to his dark-haired friend. They hadn't changed their behaviors and kept on being 'themselves' in public as _The blue lagoon _had witnessed the secret backstage of their singular routine. They stepped out of the hotel and hailed a cab. She had almost forgotten about it, the way it had vibrated a couple of hours earlier. She pressed the button and opened the message she had received.

_I will be there at eleven, Stanley. I miss your lips on my body, Laurie._

It hit her harder than a slap in the face or icy water running on her chest. Her heart jumped, stopped; then speeded up its pace. She blinked, looking blankly at the screen while Will was speaking but she couldn't pay attention to what he was saying. Before her absence of reaction the attorney frowned; grabbing her chin with his hand.

"Are you okay, Karen?"

A bright smile played on her lips and for a couple of seconds she looked immensely relieved. She nodded.

"Stanley's having an affair…"

Will froze and weighed the meaning of the news then stared a bit aimlessly how Karen's face divided in two parts. From her lips to her chin she was glimmering, all smiles; so happy. But from her eyes to her forehead sadness had deepened her features as silent tears were beginning to run on her cheeks and crossed the frontiers between both territories. She passed her tongue over her lips and looked aside; shrugging.

"It's quite fair, isn't it?"


	8. Sweetheart

**_Sweetheart_**

The sky was blue but so pale that you could feel its iciness pierce your bones and wrap up your heart while standing near the fireplace. She crossed her arms against her chest and shivered before looking at Stanley who was sat at his desk, going through some papers.

"Who is Laurie?"

His hands froze. His head slowly looked up at her; he blinked then sighed. She wished she could have swallowed back her question for not needing any details, the slightest explanation. Some heat rushed to her cheeks and she surprised herself by blushing. She avoided his gaze and let the silence settle down all the rest.

"I could ask you the same though I know who Will is."

His unexpected remark made her gasp and she made an instinctive step backwards then locked her eyes with his, frowning. He went on in a logical urge of explanation.

"The day I sent a message with your cell phone, the history of your messages came up on the screen."

She put on her sunglasses, plunged her hands in the pockets of her coat and started walking quickly. She had felt a bit fragile lately, a bit too light before the rudeness of the world. It was always the same when the shadows of failure came to float above her head as if it were only once she had come to an end that she was capable of realizing her mistakes. She pushed the door of the antique store and smiled furtively at Grace.

It was a shopping day for some client who needed to redecorate a house in Vermont; a big contract and so Grace needed her advice more than ever. She usually loved going from store to store with the interior designer though this time she would have gladly enjoyed the quietness of some coffee and the confessions of her situation with Stanley. She wasn't angry with him, how could she when she was doing exactly the same on her side? It just sounded weird to close her eyes over it and keep on pretending that everything was fine. They hadn't even argued as if their minds were too tired or had already resigned before the turning of the events. Life had just gone on; her nights at _The blue lagoon_, the oppressive calm of the penthouse.

They were heading down Fifth Avenue when Stanley appeared right in front of them, stepping out of Tiffany's. He was alone, for her highest relief. They chatted for a couple of minutes before going back to their own activities. His hand slid on her waist and he kissed her cheek.

"Have a nice day, sweetheart."

A bright smile played on her lips and she looked at him go away, troubled by the easiness of lying.

"Is he having an affair too?"

Grace's question made her lose her balance. She hid it and cleared her voice then murmured a very low 'yes'. They closed the parenthesis, increasing the awkwardness of the situation. Grace never insisted over Karen's love affair. She stayed surprisingly quiet over it, not even asking about her lover's identity. She might not really know how to deal with it.

The dark-haired woman looked down at the asphalt, the leather of her shoes. Perhaps nobody really knew how to face the failure of a marriage.

He passed his hand through her hair and made it twirl in an ephemeral curl that fell down on her bare shoulder; the darkness of it contrasting with the paleness of her skin. Her hazel eyes followed his gesture. She smiled, still sat on top of him.

"I'm going to the hairdresser tomorrow."

Will scoffed, growling. He grabbed her waist and put her down on the mattress next to him then leaned up on his elbow.

"Damn no, Karen; don't cut it. I like long hair. It's kind of sexy…"

His remark made her laugh and raise a dubitative eyebrow. She wasn't used to being told that her hair could be sexy; her breasts for sure but not the top of her head. She passed her leg between his and caressed him with her hip; slowly, carefully. Her eyes were sparkling mischievously as her fingertips began to go up his chest playfully, following some military rhythm like little soldiers heading to the front. She came closer to him and brushed his lips with hers, vaguely kissing them; caressing them with her tongue.

"Then you don't want me to cut it? What do I get if I accept the deal?"

Will's hand went down her stomach before spreading her legs. He locked his eyes with hers and smiled evasively.

"I'm sure you already have some idea…"

"Then let's start right now just to see if you can handle it."

She burst out laughing while he passed on top of her and started kissing her neck, going down slowly. She closed her eyes, ran her hand through his hair; moaned.

"By the way, honey, will you be here tomorrow?"

The attorney stopped and locked back his eyes with hers. He looked confused.

"I though you had some social event with Stanley?"

"It's been cancelled. He told me this morning that he would spend the night over… Well, you know; at her place."

Before her slight embarrassment, Will leaned up a bit more on his elbows and shook his head.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, I am. Jeez I'm having my way with you so it's pretty fair he does the same with someone else… At least none of us feel really guilty. It's just a bit creepy and terribly common at the end."

Her gaze got lost in the contemplation of the blanket as a bitter smile played on her lips. She sighed and locked her eyes with Will's as her hand ran down his spine and she pushed him closer to her body; wrapped her legs around his waist.

"Now let me enjoy my commonness; for once I like the idea of it…"


	9. What's going on out there?

**_What's going on out there?_**

"What are you doing?"

She looked at the water running, filling the tub slowly. She shrugged, raising an eyebrow absent-mindedly.

"I'm having a bath."

It was the first time one of them actually used the bathroom. They barely passed the door to adjust their hair, pull on their clothes while studying their reflection in the small mirror with a broken corner on the left. The bed was enough to send the image of the rickety shack back to her. It was all in their head; reality was too strong to be observed through a piece of glass and even when their eyes happened to catch the reflection in the window, they immediately looked apart.

Will put his hand on her shoulder and pressed it tightly. She passed a leg over the tub and sat down in it.

"I feel empty."

Her words disappeared in a confused murmur. She looked down at her feet and didn't protest when the attorney joined her in the bath, facing her quietly. She huddled up against herself, her chin on her knees.

"It comes by waves, you know. I'm not jealous because I don't love him anymore if I ever did but… I guess it's just sadness for having failed in spite of all. It's regretful somehow."

Will approached his hand and pushed a strand of hair away from her face before smiling softly.

"I like when you do that, Kare."

"When I do what?"

"When you open your heart; it's so rare…"

She rolled her eyes in a false dramatic motion then smiled seductively as her foot made its way between his legs.

"And is there something else that you like about me?"

Her foot was caressing him on the whole length. He grabbed her ankle; she straddled him, passing her legs around his waist.

"So it's already over?"

She bit her lower lip and locked her eyes with his, feeling his breath against her mouth; the contact of his hands on her lower back. She leaned over and whispered in a deep kiss.

"No, it's the only the beginning."

She rolled on her stomach and smiled at him. His eyes were mesmerizing. It reminded her of the color of the waters in The Virgin Islands, pure and peaceful; warm. She took him in her arms and started rocking him like a child. She loved those moments with Jack when the heat of his body against hers brought her nothing but the quietness that her heart needed and it all became soft all of a sudden; almost perfect.

"What's happening with Stanley?"

A sigh escaped from her lips, heavy and low. She looked at the ceiling and frowned. Her hand slowed down in the actor's hair.

"It's just a bad patch. I hope so… I guess. I'm not sure. I don't really mind as a matter of fact."

The actor leaned up on his elbows and plunged his eyes in hers. His seriousness took her aback and for a couple of seconds she wondered if she shouldn't have felt more preoccupied. Was she underestimating the consequences of their acts?

"You don't want to speak about it, do you?"

A soft smile played on her lips in a timid motion of reassurance. She caressed his cheek tenderly and leaned her head on a side.

"I'm fine with it. Perhaps that's the problem, you know; that I don't care that much about it."

"Did you know that Grace was dating someone? She doesn't dare to tell you. She needs your presence though as her girl friend. Will can't fulfill every single role."

She felt hurt and guilty. Her relationship with the interior designer had slowly evolved towards the strongest friendships no matter how implicit it was; so quiet sometimes.

She understood her friend's silence, the reason why she had preferred to keep the excitement of a new date for herself before her own dark comments over marriage; her failure with Stan. She hadn't been present when she should have and now she felt ashamed, in the smallest way.

"No, I didn't know…"

_And Will didn't tell me either. _Of course she didn't say it out loud but the idea that the attorney may not tell her everything, as fair as it was, it caused a strange sentiment of pain over her heart. She got up from bed and walked slowly towards a table; grabbed a glass of vodka, and drank it.

"What's going on honey that everything seems to be falling apart?"

She turned around and looked at her friend, dubitative; lost even.

"What's happening that I can't help but smile?"

She narrowed her eyes while contemplating the expensive Eastern carpet and the millions of drawings on it.

"Perhaps at the end I really don't have a heart because I feel so light, so fine… I'm just alive."

She burst out laughing without knowing why then started twirling around until Jack stopped her and she stumbled in his arms. She looked at him, breathless; raising her eyebrows in an innocent motion.

"I'm sorry but I do. My marriage is heading straight into a wall of bricks but I don't mind. It's just too bad; that's life."

The worst of all was the sincerity of her voice, the honesty of her eyes. She wasn't lying for once; wasn't pretending anything. She had let the truth come out, timidly. Stan had Laurie and she had Will.  
Perhaps it was better like that.


	10. Let time go by

**_Let time go by_**

His hand went up her back with a surge of protection, lost in the intensity of their sighs. She could feel shivers all along her spine and the heat of his body inside of her as his lips were caressing her neck; his tongue licking it softly. She leaned backwards; her fingers pressing the smooth mattress to remain sat up on the bed and not lose her balance, threatened by every single thrust. His mouth went down her breasts in a trail of light kisses punctuated by the warmness of his breath on her skin. She squeezed his waist a bit more with her legs and made full contact with his chest, grabbing his neck as her orgasm began to grow in her stomach and released its boiling wave from her feet to her brain. She moaned in a stifled and low tone of voice; wishing nothing more but spend the rest of her life in such a state of ecstasy, there, in Will's arms.

It didn't take him long to reach climax; his sigh absorbed by Karen's deep kiss. She loved doing that as if while capturing his lips in the exhilaration of his feelings, she would steal a piece of his heart, the energy of his soul and the fusion was total.

She passed a hand through his hair, breathless, and leaned her forehead against his. Her lips were brushing his in her attempt to fill her lungs with air, to slow down her heartbeats. Will started to move but she tightened her grip on him; whispered softly.

"Stay against me…"

She locked her hazel eyes with his brown ones; swallowed hard before kissing his lips gently.

"Stay inside me."

A couple of minutes passed by in their quiet embrace but before her loud breath the attorney looked back at her and frowned, a bit worried.

"Are you okay?"

She restrained a laugh and nodded.

"Yes, I am. It was just…"

She bit her lower lip and shrugged, blushing; hiding a timid smile. The unexpected cuteness of the millionaire's reaction warmed up Will's heart and as he started rubbing her back, she cleared her voice and tried not to assume it all.

"It was kind of intense."

She looked down at her leg wrapped around his waist. The neon of _The blue lagoon _was reflected on their flesh like an absent-minded tattoo that made its best to impregnate the skin but always failed.

She adjusted her dress, looked at her reflection in the mirror and smiled in an attempt of perfection; just to find out some courage. She had done her hair in a studied bun, some strands falling on her shoulders, embracing the dark red of her satin clothes; matching with the paleness of her skin. She looked like a porcelain doll with delicate features, graceful and feminine ones that tended to emphasize the fragility of her frame if not for the Chinese tattoo on her ankle; and some more injuries engraved in her heart.

She left the bedroom and nodded at Stanley who opened the door, letting her pass. They stepped into their limousine and settled in their seats in the most awkward silence as the streets of New York began speeding past through the windows. They weren't angry towards each other but had simply nothing to share; no conversation to start. The building appeared in the night and very soon they found themselves plunged in the crowd of guests where the brouhaha of voices got lost in the clicking of glasses and Champagne poured in a constant melody. She was holding his arm as the tradition required, smiling peacefully, multiplying gestures of attention towards him.

He passed his hand on her waist and kissed her cheek unexpectedly. She jumped and swallowed back a scream; then rolled her eyes as Will winced.

"How are you?"

Stanley shook the attorney's hand. Karen observed her husband, the facility with which he seemed to accept the fact he was facing his wife's lover; the man who happened to caress her and made her shiver in pleasure when he hadn't touched her for so long.

The evening went on slowly under the conventionalism of charity events; in the purest tradition. Stanley had invited Will advancing the idea that as his attorney, he had to attend it but while the hours were passing by, Karen's mind was plunging into a dry confusion. Her husband was on her left; her lover on her right. She couldn't help but feel troubled, uncomfortable as well as her friend while the man she had married a decade ago seemed highly delighted by the night; enjoying the improvised _ménage à trois, way too much_.

She didn't say a word though; emptied glass after glass of vodka as her vision was getting blurry, falsified by alcohol and the vague sentiment that she should get a divorce with Stanley. It hadn't crossed her mind until then but perhaps life was only repeating itself and her husband's attitude that night was the detail that made it all tip over exactly like the one that had pushed her into Will's arms.

She was disappointed by Stanley.

The door got slammed and she took off her heels in a stifled moan as he passed his hand underneath her dress, caressing the depths of her inner thighs. They didn't make it to the bed and slid down on the carpeted floor led by the fast pace of their movements. Their kisses were long and sensual, almost too strong; vaguely violent as if they were releasing a restrained anger through them, an old and quiet frustration. She straddled him, got rid of her red dress and unzipped his pants. Her elbows made contact with the floor as she leaned over and locked her eyes with his, breathless. She moved her hips backwards.

She thought about Stanley and the charity event; how they had run away before the end, oppressed by some carnal desire and without knowing how, _The blue lagoon _had appeared in front of them like a logical dead-end. She brushed his lips softly and straddled him properly, feeling his whole length inside of her. Her hands cupped his face; she looked at him, and murmured.

"Fuck me."


	11. And you're left behind

**_And you're left behind_**

She bit her lower lip and stared at his back in silence. It had started raining again and the furtive movements of the drops falling on the window of the room sharply contrasted with their immobility. She moved her legs under the sheets, made them rustle as she came closer to the edge of the bed where he was sat. Her lips brushed his shoulder; she passed her arms around him and hugged his frame in an awkward attempt of comfort that only vaguely resulted as seductive. So she went on and kissed his cheek, not knowing what to say. Sometimes she felt like she was with Stanley, unable to speak properly and bring him the warmness of some words that would ease his pain.

He leaned his head backwards, with closed eyes; then smiled and grabbed her waist but didn't go any further, leaving her to it.

"Perhaps he's the right one, you know."

She caressed his forehead and waited for his reply, half-sat on his lap. He sighed and frowned.

"But they've been dating for only three weeks. How could she marry him so quickly?"

"I don't think love is a matter of time. If you're sure of your feelings then why would you wait?"

Will cleared his voice and locked his eyes with Karen's. He looked preoccupied, lost.

"Would you have married someone like that?"

She thought about Grace and Leo; how happy they had seemed to announce their union while coming back from a stroll through Central Park. It didn't sound like the interior designer and her big wedding plans, but for meeting Will in the anonymity of _The blue lagoon _almost every night, the millionaire knew how a life could be unexpected; weirdly charming. She raised an eyebrow, staring blankly at the bed.

"Oh I did; when I was eighteen. The circumstances were quite different though."

"She's leaving me behind."

"She's just having her own life, Will."

"And I don't belong to it anymore."  
She pouted, rolled her eyes to emphasize the ridiculousness of such idea which made him for laugh for knowing she was right. There was no need to be childish like that. He grabbed her hips and straddled her properly on his lap; started caressing her lower back, planting light kisses on her neck.  
"I may need some comfort, Karen…"  
She laughed softly before pushing him to lie down on the mattress. They rolled on their side and she settled on her stomach, her back pressed against his chest. She turned her face to look at him; smiling.  
"Let's see what happens when I leave you behind…"  
He passed his hand on her breasts as one of his legs came to cover her own ones; his lips got back to kissing her neck. She closed her eyes and moaned.

She huddled in Jack's arms and put her feet on Will's lap with subtle boldness, under the cushion he was holding; a fake innocence. She looked up at Grace and smiled, vaguely listening to her friend who was lost in the story of her honeymoon. She had just passed the door, put down her suitcase and the words had rushed out her lips like a torrent of sparkling impatience. She had probably missed them as well as they had missed her; the sequels to such a close friendship, its a bit disturbing perhaps. A fifth element always ended up breaking the balance; they had no life out of their circle, they couldn't handle it.

She hadn't meant the slightest gesture, just felt like having a rest and enjoying Grace's presence. She had thought a lot about the interior designer and the way her marriage would influence her relationship with Will; who would fall down first? How? Wh?. She dreaded it a lot but also knew that it belonged to the rules of irreversibility. She hadn't really minded about their dates until then; it was just that this time, she wasn't sure that Grace would choose the attorney over Leo.

Obviously Will was focalized on an extremely different idea to spend his time with her and so he spread his legs a little. Her feet slid on his inner thighs and rested there for a while; teasing seconds during which she let him wonder if she had got the message. Her tiptoes went up slowly. She felt the fine fabric of his pants caressing her skin, the zipper. She moved a little on the couch to find a better position and finally came back to her silent ministration. Her caresses were slow, imperceptible for Grace and Jack but Will's reaction against her foot made her swallow hard. She opened her mouth to hide a louder breath as she kept the movement on; not looking at Will. She had grabbed the interior designer's photos and was leafing through them absent-mindedly, wishing nothing but feeling the attorney against her if not inside her.

Her tiptoes tightened over his leg as her other foot was still going on and Will's excitation was reaching a point of no-return. He was biting the inside of his mouth, restraining the least gesture. She glanced at him for a couple of seconds and couldn't help but smile, amused even though she would have died for the same treatment on her own body. His hand pressed the cushion he was holding and pushed her foot closer to him. She looked at the picture of some palm trees and raised her eyebrows in a silent reply to the attorney. She speeded up the pace until she felt him let go. His moan got hidden in the clearing of his voice.

*"By the way Karen, I know you wanted a debriefing evening with me but Leo's sister is in town so I'm not available tonight."  
The millionaire looked up at Grace and shrugged.

"It's okay. Will owes me something anyway."

She turned her face towards him.

"Isn't that true, honey?"


	12. Merry Christmas

**_Merry Christmas_**

The weeks flew away in a monotone torpor as if the heaviness of the gray sky and the quiet coming of the winter buried people's gestures in a peaceful rest that only the first hours of the spring would bring back to life after long months of hesitation. Nobody moved; nothing changed and Karen kept on seeing Will, vaguely deploring her situation with Stanley who spent more and more time at Laurie's. Why did they remain married when they barely spoke to each other? She had crossed him in the kitchen one morning and apart from social events they still attended together, she knew absolutely nothing of his private schedule.

Her eyes followed the sweet fall of the flake from the heights of the clouds to the palm of her hand. She smiled at Grace when the snow made contact with her skin in an icy embrace. Her eyes were sparkling; she felt fine.

The interior designer smiled back before plunging her hands in the pockets of her coat. She cleared her voice, looked down at the asphalt becoming white then frowned.

"Did you think what you said about marriage?"

She seemed to be embarrassed and Karen wondered for a couple of seconds if the red on her cheeks was caused by the coldness of the air or the boldness of her question. The millionaire passed her tongue over her lips and shrugged.

"The years are passing by and I should come to the evident conclusion that I'm not talented at relationships so who can say if I'm right or not? I always end up failing… Perhaps I should reconsider my own behavior towards my partners."

An odd silence started floating over their heads, a bitter one; full of regrets. Karen frowned and looked back at her friend.

"What I said probably doesn't happen if the marriage rests on a sincere base; when love's involved…"

She came closer to Grace, looked around to check nothing in particular and locked her eyes with her friend's.

"Is there something wrong with Leo?"

The red-haired woman blinked and took a deep breath but she stayed quiet; seemed to hesitate. She started walking again, slowly, contemplating The Hudson River in the icy hours of the afternoon.

"I guess I'm pregnant."

Karen gasped and made a step forward to hug her friend though something stopped her halfway; the lack of enthusiasm in Grace's voice, her blank gaze. Her heart began to beat faster as a strong whirl of anxiety twirled in her mind.

"I think Leo's seeing someone else."

Stanley didn't suggest anything so she accepted Will's invitation and spent Christmas Eve at his place. Jack came too, but not Grace. She stayed with Leo for Karen's deepest regret who knew very well how many doubts and hesitations weighed on a marriage; how cold a face-to-face was, that so easily led to loneliness. The pregnancy test had turned out positive, emphasizing the interior designer's distress even more. She should have been there, with her friends; no matter that Karen was the only one who knew about her secret.

She burst out laughing as he opened his mouth and she made him bite into the strawberry. Juice ran down on his chin. She leaned over and licked it. Her tongue caressed his skin softly and came to brush his lips as she smiled mischievously. He swallowed the fruit and she kissed him immediately; and more deeply as his hands made their way on her hips.

Their caresses quickly reached a bolder stage and as she was about to go down his chest, setting off a well-known path of kisses, when Will pushed her away slowly; getting up off the bed and heading to his coat. She looked at him with confusion, feeling a bit stupid all of a sudden; alone in bed, naked. He turned around and sat down next to her.

"Merry Christmas, Karen."

The box was small, a deep velvet red. She cleared her voice and started moving nervously on the mattress.

"But you already offered me something yesterday…"

It wasn't the fact that she hadn't bought him another present but the intimacy of his gesture, there; under the gloomy light of _The blue lagoon_. It troubled her a lot when she shouldn't have because it was just about casual sex. The rules were clear; they had to be.

"I couldn't give it to you yesterday. You had to get it here and nowhere else because it belongs to this world. It has nothing to do with the life we're going through behind this door."

She opened it slowly, dreading the whole situation as much as she didn't want to, but she could recognize how she loved it; how his gesture was touching.

It was made of wood in extremely simple lines, almost naïve somehow; no feet, no arms. The head was pale but beautiful, pure and graceful. She took it between her fingers and smiled at Will, even more confused. She liked the red body, representing the kimono as the dark hair brushed in an eternal immobility on the shoulders and the cheeks.

The attorney sat behind Karen, embracing her body with his legs, leaning his chest against her back before taking the present in his hands.

"This is a Chinese doll; there're seven. This one symbolizes the concept of union though she's always lonely. It makes me think about you. That's why I chose it. I didn't mean to buy you something in the first place but I arrived earlier and found it while wandering through the streets."

Karen smiled but a sentiment of bitterness suddenly seemed to take possession of her mind, her heart. Her fingertips brushed the wooden doll; she looked aside.

"I would have never thought that my twin lived in Chinatown."

She turned around and passed her arms around his neck after putting down the doll on the bedside table with care. She locked her eyes with his; thought about Grace, Stanley, Jack, and Will.

"I like my loneliness since we've started all this."

It was sincere and extremely intimidating. She captured his lips in a sensual kiss to hide the fact she was vaguely blushing.


	13. From loneliness to him

**_From loneliness to him_**

"Hi Karen, it's me. I'm sorry but I can't come tonight. Grace isn't fine and she needs me. I know you understand but still, call me at any time; please. I don't like doing it, cancelling I mean."

She listened to the message, put her cell phone down but grabbed it again, almost immediately to prolong the sound of his voice against her ear. She repeated the gesture four times until her brain memorized the slightest fluctuation of the words, the way he was breathing while thinking about her because she knew that by then, she had been the only object of his focalization.

She took off her high heels and let them fall down, the sound stifled by the carpeted floor. She lay down on her side and stared blankly at the bedside table before taking the little Chinese doll out of her purse. She kept it in permanence with her for whatever reason, like a lucky charm that would make everything easier.

She spent very long hours observing it, trying to understand the reason why they shared such a sad similarity. Loneliness; apart from the moments she was with her friends, the rest of her existence seemed to have always been dictated by the lack of some presence by her side. From her own family to her marriages, the conclusions simply headed to a complete failure and while looking around her then, Karen noticed that there was nobody there. She shivered, sighing heavily. The hotel was so silent, so cold. She usually had something else to concentrate on; the heat of Will's body against hers, his hands on her skin and the subtle, but nonetheless, so sweet sensation to be his.

She rolled on her back and stared bitterly at the ceiling. Obviously this sentiment only belonged to some absurd fantasy.

She came back home around midnight, walking slowly through the corridors. She didn't turn the lights on; didn't call Will either. He had better things to do than to entertain her for a couple of minutes; apologizing again, talking dirty just to keep the peculiarity of their relationship alive. She pulled up the sheets and closed her eyes then fell asleep while a tear ran down her cheek, disappearing between her lips.

He unbuttoned her cardigan slowly, his fingertips purposely brushing her skin through light caresses. She swallowed hard as he reached her breasts over the fine lace of the bra and locked her eyes with his. She was staying still, letting him do it all along, firmly standing on her feet. He leaned over and began to kiss her jaw, going down her neck. She smiled.

"I missed that, you know…"

She preferred a neutral complement to a more personal one like 'you', in which the meaning would have reached a disturbing implication for both of them. They were supposed to brush the limits of friendship and sex; nothing to do with any other kind of feelings. Her confession made him smile; he came closer and unzipped her skirt that fell on the floor revealing black stockings that matched with the red of her lingerie.

She loved this moment, halfway between the complete nakedness of what was following and the layers of clothes. It was when you let your mask fall down, unable to cheat anymore; apprehension before the other's gaze over your body and the light excitement it also stirred up. You felt weak but the ounce of mischievousness coming up little by little kept you away from despair and embarrassment.

Her hands caressed his arms and got intertwined as they passed behind his neck. She looked up at him as he pushed a strand of hair away from her face. His eyes were sparkling.  
"I spent half an hour thinking about the way your waist could feel under my hands when I hold it."

She couldn't help but blush. Her heart started beating quicker but the cuteness of the attention got lost in the boldness of her thigh pressed against the inside of his legs. His hand passed underneath her thong. They kissed and as usual, forgot all the rest.

His skin was burning her body unless it was all in the intensity of his thrusts and the perfect rhythm they had found with each other's hips. She pressed his back against her, breathed with difficulty under him. His hands were caressing her legs slowly, almost tenderly, contrasting sharply with the quick pace of their movements. He started kissing her earlobe and she felt the boiling warmness of her orgasm grow up in her stomach, impossible to stop or make it last any longer. So she abdicated and sighed lost in the depths of his neck; his smell going to her head dizzily.

Karen rushed in the office and apologized with a vague motion of her hand while Grace was on the phone, obviously stressed for having to deal with different tasks at the same time. She put an end to the call and rolled her eyes; standing up. The millionaire's bag landed on the desk a bit too abruptly and the Chinese doll rolled out of it.

"Oh my God, you have a Kokeshi doll! It's so cute…"

The red-haired woman grabbed it before an amused smile playing on her lips.

"Don't tell me that it's your lover who gave it to you."

The remark took Karen aback and she blushed, embarrassed to speak about her sentimental life when her friend's one was so fragile; vaguely ashamed to have to recognize the veracity of the latent question. Gestures of attention were sweet and didn't really match with so-called sexual encounters. She looked down, shrugged and cleared her voice.

"Yes, it is; why?"

Grace raised an eyebrow, bit her lower lip.

"This doll is Hohoemi. Do you know the symbol of it?"

"He told me that it was loneliness."

"Not really; it's the loneliness of a faint smile, of hidden feelings. We're supposed to offer this one when we don't dare to open our heart properly."

Karen froze; she started shaking. Grace came back to her desk and added in a semi-bitter tone.

"He's in love with you; that's what his present is supposed to mean."


	14. The wind is blowing

**_The wind is blowing_**

She grabbed her bag and stood up so suddenly that her chair fell over, making Grace jump. She picked it up, blushing; before excusing herself. She had to leave immediately. He hadn't stopped by lunchtime and the hours had passed by so slowly that she could have felt every single beat of her heart speed up its pace under her growing anxiety. The clock had finally struck 4pm and the urge boiling in her veins had won over the rest. She left the office in a hurry.

The interior designer rolled her eyes and headed to her assistant's desk. She had forgotten to shut down her laptop, one more time. The red-haired woman was about to close the window when her attention got caught by the page on the screen. From her sketches she had kept on wondering what Karen might have been looking with so much attention, barely moving on her seat; her eyes narrowed under the high concentration. She had found an explanatory site about the Chinese little dolls, like the one she had received.

The old man was walking slowly but not because of his age. He was healthy and extremely peaceful. It was all about quietness and wisdom. She envied his tranquility.

"Some of them symbolize the seasons of the year, the passing of time when others are more feeling-centered. General notions are represented… What are you looking for exactly, love, friendship?"

The millionaire looked blankly at the thousands of dolls on the bamboo shelves and frowned before shaking her head.

"I'm not sure; if only it could be clear…"

"You can also choose one according to the color or the one you prefer though your hesitation makes me think that you should go for Kiboh."

His old shaking hand grabbed a small one with a bun on each side of the head. It was pretty, not too girlie.

"What is Kiboh for?"

"It's for hope. It looks like you need it."

She took the doll in her hands and stared at it.

The door of his office flew opened. The attorney looked up immediately then put down his pen, obviously surprised by the dark-haired woman's visit. She was balancing on her feet, staying on the doorframe as if she didn't want to bother him. Something was wrong; her attitude. It wasn't Karen at all.

"May I help you?"

She made a few steps forward, seemed to hesitate and finally put down a little box on his desk; twisting her hands.

"This is for you."

She didn't leave him time to say anything. Within a second she turned her back and left. Stanley was waiting for her in their limousine. He had insisted to go to the restaurant; a face-to-face in the evening. She had been reluctant at the beginning but had finally accepted, dreading it though.

"I'm going to have a martini, a dry one."

Her hazel eyes followed the waiter as he went away. She would have done anything to escape from her husband's heavy gaze. It made her feel uncomfortable. Why pretend romanticism? Adultery did exist in The Upper East Side but it was just being falsely ignored because it was better that way.

"I'm going to sale the penthouse."

The announcement reached its goal and she looked at him in disbelief.

"Excuse me?"

"I said that I was going to put the mansion on sale. I want to move in with Laurie. Of course I will pay for your new house, upstairs from us unless you prefer another part of the city."

Something was falling apart and she was straying trapped under it; unsure of what she was supposed to do in order to survive. Dying was tempting though, somehow. She thought about their wedding, all the social events they had attended, the cold evenings in the silence of the library; the realization that she wasn't made for him. Was it worth it? Her glass of martini arrived in front of her. She stared blankly at the drink, felt like throwing it against the wall, breaking it all into pieces, just like she was.

"I think we should get a divorce, Stanley."

She didn't look at him because she knew way too well that he was smiling; relieved.

She hailed a cab, stepped into it and didn't know where to go until her fingers brushed the shape of the key. She left the hype restaurants of Midtown and headed right to Chinatown, looking forward to seeing the lights appear in the foggy night of February. She climbed the stairs of _The blue lagoon_, entered the bedroom, let her bag slide on the floor and leaned against the door, closing it. She swallowed hard, took a deep breath and was about to turn the lights on when she realized that someone had already done it.

He was sat on the bed, staring at her in disbelief. For some reason her eyes moved on the right and she saw the Kiboh doll on the bedside table. Her heart began to beat faster; her lips got dry. He stood up and made a few steps towards her. She felt the tension of the day rush to her eyes in a torrent of tears but she swallowed it all back and shook her head; whispering.

"I don't want to talk now."

He pushed her hard against the door as his lips captured hers in a hungry kiss. Her fingers ran through his hair; she sighed in his mouth. He was going fast, already taking off her thong, making it slide along her legs as she unzipped his pants and caressed his legs with hers. The gestures were wild, almost violent and within a minute he grabbed her hips; she squeezed his waist. His thrusts were sharp and she held him tight as he began to trace a path of kisses on her neck. He seemed not to notice it or at least it didn't stop him when her tears suddenly made their way down her face. She was in pain but not for what they were doing; the symbol of it, maybe. It was just a whole, a series of elements that the wind was blowing away without caring if she liked it or not.  
She sighed heavily while shivering against him and when he stopped moving, she stayed wrapped around his waist, breathless; then leaned her head on his shoulder and burst into tears. He hugged her tight.


	15. This odd feeling that we call love

**_This odd feeling that we call love_**

She closed the door and looked all around. Something was missing, the element that would stir up a smile on her lips and this sensation of warmness on her heart. The place was lovely. She had liked it immediately; no matter how tiny it was. She had really thought that she would feel fine while moving in but the day had arrived and nothing seemed to happen; no sparkling flame in the eyes, just the coldness of mistakes and the bitterness of a ruined life.

Jack noticed her lack of enthusiasm. He took her in his arms and made a step forward, embracing the living-room in a theatrical gesture of his hand. She shook her head, pouting evasively.

"My life sucks, honey."

"You own the most wonderful flat of The Upper West Side…"

"Oh you know what I mean, Jack."

She cut him off and got released of his arms; headed straight to the window that overlooked The Hudson River. She crossed her arms and stayed silent. She usually wasn't distant with the actor, or the least bit harsh. It took him aback and so he stayed quiet, unsure of the next move he was supposed to adopt towards her. The sky was gray, matching with the pale colors of the winter left on the trees, and the water. A woman passed on the sidewalk with her dog.

"Look what I have, Jackie. My whole life fits in those ten cardboard boxes; and a ton of clothes I can't stand anymore."

He came closer to her and carefully passed his arms around her waist; leaned his head on her shoulder, while staring dreamingly at Riverside Drive.

"But you didn't love him, did you?"

She shook her head as her tongue caressed her lips.

"No but marriage is reassuring. Getting a divorce is a shame in the high society, poodle. I'm the exact symbol of failure for my…"

The word 'friend' wasn't appropriated; 'acquaintance' perhaps, anything that discarded the slightest idea of closeness. Those people were nothing but mean and hypocritical.

"Who cares about what they think? You're just amazing for me."

He kissed the top of her head before going to one of the boxes; opening it.

The palm of his hand came to rest on her lower stomach as his fingers began to play with her thong, passing underneath it in a false innocence. She buried her hand through his hair, caressed his head as his lips were tracing a bold way to her inner thighs.

Sometimes she wondered if they would manage to speak about it; the dolls, their meanings. She wasn't sure it was what she actually wanted though so she stayed quiet, as well as him. The limits were fine and dangerously tempting as long as they remained on the right side. Casual sex; Will was good at it and fully satisfied her. Besides her recent divorce had slowed down her desire to get involved into a relationship; she didn't even mention the fact that she could barely imagine the two of them behaving as a couple, a real one. It didn't match with the way she felt like straddling him as soon as she saw him.

He got rid of the piece of clothes and plunged between her legs without any warning. She gasped at the sudden contact and arched her back; biting her lower lip. She loved the way his tongue kept on teasing her, how his mouth was hot against her flesh while his hands were pressing her thighs before going up to caress her breasts. He knew her very well, how to drive her crazy with the right pressure, at the right time; light kisses and soft breaths on her skin.

"Gosh, Will…"

She never let him finish though. She needed to feel him, the pace of his thrusts and his own body rocking hers until she couldn't handle it anymore and her orgasm spread all over her in shaking waves of pleasure. She had to be his while reaching ecstasy. The rest was just frustrating.

As he felt her body getting tense under his ministrations, the attorney stopped and went up slowly; found her lips and entered her. She squeezed his waist with her legs and pushed him deeper.  
She lit a cigarette and tended it to him, wondering who apart from her knew that Will used to smoke; or at least after sex. After all she had never seen him with a cigarette in his hands in other circumstances. She grabbed another one for her and played with the smoke, drawing hearts in the air. The attorney rolled on his stomach, switching position so that his head could rest on her bare chest. He started kissing her belly button; alternating the cigarette and the twirl of his tongue on her flesh. She looked down at him, caressed his head then smiled, restraining a laugh.

"It's the most erotic thing I have ever received, Wilma… I hope that you're ready for another round though because it might have quite an influence on me."

She spread her legs and caressed his back with her foot as one of his hand got lost in her inner thighs. She closed her eyes and moaned; swallowing hard as he started fingering her.  
"Looks like you're Mister Boldness tonight."

She came back home in the early morning and headed straight to her bedroom; started looking all around, wondering where she had put it. She still preferred _The blue lagoon_ over her own flat, no matter she was living on her own now. As a matter of fact Will didn't complain about it as if both of them were afraid that the spell wouldn't work if they happened to change the place. It belonged to Chinatown, to the creepy hotel. Their kisses, their moans, their caresses; everything had been settled down there and apart from the elevator and the first time at the manse, the rickety room downtown was the exact essence of their love affair. She plunged her fingers in a chest of drawers and took it out, a smile of triumph on her lips. She still hadn't really moved in, simply embraced the general mess as her own references; home sweet home… She put it on a pile of books next to her bed before lying down, observing it in silence.

What if one day the faint smile of the doll turned into a bright one and the doubts flew away, swallowed by the certitude of sentiments?


	16. A faint smile

**_A faint smile_**

Her first time hadn't been harsh but extremely boring, disappointing too. She had immediately put a barrier between her sentiments and sex as if both worlds shared nothing in common. The pleasure of an orgasm didn't depend on the state of a heart and what was having your way with someone if not the mere concept of a carnal desire in order to reach a selfish moment of pure ecstasy? Besides life was easier when you didn't let get involved your feelings.

She studied Will's naked body and bit her lower lip in a hungry anticipation, wishing nothing but feeling him alive under her touch. Sometimes she wondered how it was to be with him; as a couple. Would she really like it? It was when she felt like hugging him tight, resting against his chest or even passing underneath his skin to make contact with the subtlety of whatever he had inside his heart. Her curiosity always ended up fading away through as bold fingers when down between his legs or her lips that all of a sudden ,traced a path of kisses to his lower stomach. She loved getting him excited.

His tongue caressed the tattoo on her waist as his hands leaned against her back; he caressed her buttocks, her thighs, her ankles. She moved her tiptoes as his kisses reached the second drawing engraved in her skin. Time had already passed by over it and the day she had felt the urge to get it seemed so far. Now it belonged to her life as much as Will did, in his own way; the mystery of her silent nights against the slight curve of her bone, almost hidden by the shadows of lies and the pale lights of Chinatown. She turned around and captured his lips; spread her legs as he passed on top of her.

It depended on their moods, on the weight of the day upon their shoulders. That night she needed comfort, reassurance; the sweetness of his arms around her. Perhaps within twenty-four hours she would have changed her mind and would wish nothing but taking him hard against a wall; straddling him on the armchair of his office. Nobody knew what tomorrow was made of; she wasn't even sure of her own desires.

She let Will make love to her; then came back home, relieved and light, happy.

"Do you need something? A glass of water or a cookie?"

Grace smiled, restrained a laugh and shook her head. She was five-months pregnant, without a husband, but her life had never been so bright, so right. She sat down on Karen's bed and looked at The Hudson River by the large windows. The millionaire's duplex was small, a single room on the first floor and two bedrooms upstairs, but the view over New Jersey was breathtaking and a cozy atmosphere seemed to be reigning all over. You entered the flat then couldn't help but feel fine. She hadn't done a lot though, slightly decorated it but the general mess and the pale colors of the furniture sent the perfect image of her own persona; some extravaganza mixed with a subtle touch of quietness, an unexpected one but it probably belonged to all these things she never said out loud.

The dark-haired woman frowned, not at all comfortable before her friend's pregnancy. What if something happened while being here? She would never be able to handle the slightest situation of an emergency. She leaned carefully against the wall and forced a smile then grabbed a pillow to press it on her stomach in some protective motion.

"Oh boy, you have to feel that!"

The interior designer grabbed her hand; put it on her swollen stomach, ignoring the expression of fright on the millionaire's face. It came right on the palm of her hand like a ball through a layer of thick material. She jumped; her heart speeded up its pace. The baby had kicked. She blushed, feeling stupid before her lack of self confidence. Even little girls of seven knew better about maternity than her .

"Will you ever have a child?"

The question took her aback. It didn't match at all with her spontaneous reaction of fear in front of some kicking. How come Grace came to ask her such a thing? She looked at her friend and felt like smiling but her cowardice made her shrug, swallowing back a very old dream of hers.

"I'm not good at that. All what I will manage to get is another ruined life so I guess it's better for everyone if I don't have a child."

Grace didn't say a word. Her answer had been harsh and painful for sounding unfair; sad. The dark-haired woman cleared her voice; pouting.

"Anyway tell me where I will find the right guy for that."

Without the slightest hesitation the interior designer pointed at the wooden Chinese doll on the bedside table.

"What about him, it looks like he has feelings for you?"

Her hazel eyes stopped on the Kokeshi doll as a wave of fog invaded her brain like whenever she started wondering about Will, the meaning of her life with him. She shook her head and swallowed back some tears of frustration, unable to come to any kind of conclusion.

"I don't know…"

Grace came closer to her and put her hand on her shoulder, firmly; then locked her eyes with Karen's.

"What are you afraid of? Why are you constantly fighting against the sweetness of your heart? It's a large part of your persona you're trying to hide. And I don't understand because when you dare to open your soul… You seem to be relieved, so light."

*Her high-pitched voice disappeared in a murmur of regrets.

"Because whenever I try, I crash. And it hurts too much."

She looked down and frowned, bit her lips to stifle a bitter sob.

"But what if this time he was the right one? What if you miss him out?"

Karen sighed; stared back at the doll. She blinked.

"How can I rely on a faint smile?"


	17. Special features

**_Special features_**

The screen was blurry but very soon the image appeared correctly. She smiled at the digital camera that he was holding, unsure of his goal.

"What are you doing, honey?"

The attorney rolled on his stomach, the taped image following his movement in a shaky wave like some experimental project. He zoomed on her eyes before going down to her lips; then her whole face.

"Well I'm testing this new camera that doesn't only take photos but also throws you into the fabulous world of a movie director."

She leaned up on her elbow and scoffed, showing against her own willing a large part of her naked chest. He reduced the plan and focalized on her face.

"Oh my… Don't tell me you're taping? Turn it off immediately! I don't give into those things anymore. It's creepy; and insulting."

She looked down, hurt by the reminiscence of a past Will couldn't understand for Grace being the only one who knew about it. He locked his eyes with hers and smiled sweetly, vaguely troubled by her violent reaction.

"Don't be worried, my plans are not x rated. I just want to keep the perfection of your curves in my mind."

He started going down her shoulders, following her waist, her hips; never filming intimate parts of her body. She passed her tongue over her lips then frowned.

"But you will delete it, won't you?"

He put her on her stomach and zoomed on her tattoo, trying the different modes offered by the camera.

"Of course I will."

Karen cleared her voice, nodded and began to relax. His hands went down her legs, stopping at her ankles where the Chinese letters appeared on her skin.

"So this is where everything started; more or less. _The blue lagoon_; are you so addicted to it that you decided to engrave it on your body?"

She succumbed to his erotic game and burst out laughing; pouted at the camera as he taped her from her feet.

"This is where you drive me crazy."

She looked at the mattress for a couple of seconds before going back to the screen then raised an eyebrow mischievously.

"Lord knows how many nights we spent here… I'd say a couple of years, almost three. How come you never grew tired of my body?"

Will went slowly back to her face, passing the digital item all along her bare flesh; from her buttocks to her neck. He kissed it and also appeared on the screen. She smiled, closed her eyes; moaning. He spread her legs with his arm as his hand made contact with her inner thigh. She looked at him and gasped, a few inches away from his face. She could feel his breath on her lips, see all the details of his brown eyes. He winced.

"How could I keep on living without watching you shivering under my touch?"

She turned furtively back towards the camera before sticking her tongue at him; he did as well until their tongues got intertwined and they kissed, deeply, hungrily. She passed on top of him and took the camera, pressed the 'off' button and put it down on the bedside table before leaning back over him.

Perhaps they should have checked it twice just to be sure it was really shut down. But at the same time Will was supposed to delete it almost immediately; as soon as he would get back home. They got taken away by instinctive feelings, burning desires of their bodies and didn't notice the green light on the right of the item. It was still taping.

He passed the door of his flat in the early morning and put down the digital camera on the coffee table then went to sleep. Life went on; he just forgot about it.

When people saw her in the streets, they used to stop and ask her if she was expecting twins. No, there was only one baby; some women might have taken it bad though Grace felt cared about and loved it. She hadn't put on weight that much but her stomach had surely got the shapes of pregnancy. She lie down on the couch and looked at Jack.

"Give me the plate, please."

He did and she put it down on her stomach, laughing lightly.

"Isn't that useful? I have my own personal table now."

"Let's take a picture for the two party-poopers who stayed working on whatever at his office."

The night had fallen down over New York and while the four friends were supposed to enjoy a nice evening together, Karen and Will had cancelled, mentioning some professional excuse; succumbing to their hotel room.

Grace looked around her and grabbed the attorney's camera.

"There's Will's new digital camera. Okay, how does that work?"

Jack sat down on the floor next to her and pressed the 'on' button. The darkness of the screen disappeared and Karen's face substituted it for their highest surprise.

"Since when does Will take photos of Karen?"

Grace laughed, a bit embarrassed for not understanding the least thing but Jack shook his head; frowning.

"It's not a photo. It's on the video mode. It looks like he taped her or something."

The interior designer's curiosity grew up even more before the remark. She sat up and made some room for Jack; then rolled the tape. Karen's voice appeared, vaguely scoffing in the background of the screen.

_"What are you doing, honey?"_

The video lasted forty minutes as indicated on the right bottom of the screen.


	18. We're made of incomprehension

**_We're made of incomprehension_**

_Replay_. The word appeared on the camera but Grace didn't move. Jack seemed to be plunged in the same state of astonishment, with the last image of Karen rolling off Will's body, holding him tight; her eyes locked with his brown ones while they were both trying to catch their regular breaths back. They shouldn't have watched the video entirely; should have pressed the 'stop' button long before both of their friends started kissing each other hungrily because the rest had turned so evident then; what was coming. Evident and so unexpected though; the interior designer cleared her voice. For some reason she didn't manage to look at the actor. She moved slowly and put the camera down on her lap.

"I think I'm going to be sick…"

The worst of all was that everything was becoming so clear all of a sudden. An infinite series of details that seemed to find their place in a troubling logic that made Grace's heart beat faster. Was it anger or pain, frustration? Contrasting with the silence of the flat her brain cells were twirling around in turmoil, unable to fix upon the slightest feeling as if she had just lost all her references. It hit her all of a sudden; she gasped.

"Oh my God, the doll; he offered her the doll."

"What are you talking about?"

Jack raised his eyebrows, confused by her mysterious remark. Quietly she asked him for some help to stand up before heading straight to the attorney's bedroom. She turned the lights on and began to look around, opening chest of drawers, checking under his clothes, the mattress.

"Damn Grace what are you doing?"

It had been sagely put down under his pillow, protected by the smoothness of the bed and the warmness of the blanket. She took it and frowned; sitting down. A couple of seconds passed by; she looked at the actor and shook her head.

"It's not casual sex; not anymore."

Karen didn't understand. One day his attentions were the sweetest gestures of care she had ever received from anyone but twenty-four hours passed by and he barely looked at her as something else than a mere sex item, undressing her without a word, his lips sliding on her skin in an oppressive mischievousness. The last attitude from the attorney drove her crazy and she used to succumb within a second while the cuteness of the rest tended to scare her a lot. She wasn't fond of playing this kind of game for knowing the painful result way too well.

She might have drunk too much or the combination with her pills had led to a very strange cocktail that emphasized her paranoia though she would have sworn that Grace was distant, a bit cold towards her. Had she said something that had actually hurt her friend? The red-haired woman wasn't susceptible and she was used to accept critical comments. Something kept on telling her that it sounded wrong; the lack of spontaneity, a gaze on her.

They had gone shopping together for the baby; not that she had come up with the idea in the first place but Jack had turned her down, advancing some date excuse that hadn't sounded right either but she hadn't paid attention at it that much and turned towards Grace instead. They had gone from store to store, as usual, but something had been missing all along. She just had stayed quiet over it to avoid any kind of conflict, stupid arguments that weren't able to fit in the scene.

They stopped by Zabar's for lunch, sat down at a table and ordered their bagels in an uncomfortable silence. Karen moved nervously on her chair, smiling at Grace timidly.

"When was the last time you had sex?"

The millionaire chocked on her vodka and blushed before looking all around for an escape. The place was crowded and the promiscuity such that she could listen to every single conversation without the slightest problem. Speaking about her intimate life required silence if she managed to confess anything about it at all; she could throw some funny remarks from time to time but for some reason the rest stayed trapped in the depths of her heart. Was it shyness? She tended to think that she simply hadn't been taught about confessing her feelings.

"Why are you asking me that?"

Grace shrugged. Her gaze was blank, completely indifferent to the topic.

"I'm just curious… You openly said that you had a lover but you stay so quiet over it that it pushes me to have some wonders. How is he?"

The millionaire cleared her voice and frowned, staring with a fake interest at her martini. She whispered.

"He's nice."

"Oh come on! You know I'm not speaking about that. How is he in bed?"

"Do you really think that I would waste my time with some loser? He's good, very good. Are you satisfied?"

She hadn't meant to sound harsh but the constant pressure of Grace's quiet questions had pushed her to brush the limits and she had lost her nerves, got angry. She shook her head, lifted her hand in the air.

"I'm sorry."

"And for the doll thing, are you in love with him?"

The interior designer locked her eyes with hers and for a couple of seconds Karen got taken aback by the flame burning in her friend's pupils. She looked like she was pleading for a sincere reply as if her whole life depended on the few words that she would let escape from her lips.

"We're not supposed to let our feelings get involved."

The plates made an abrupt contact with the table as the waiter arrived and they put a natural end to the conversation.

The night had fallen over New York for quite a while when she came back home, alone. They hadn't mentioned anything more about her relationship with her mysterious lover, the man of the shadows, and enjoyed an uncomfortable afternoon where the weight of knowing seemed to be as heavy as the lies she was sure that Grace had kept on saying. She opened the door of her flat, turned the lights on then gasped. She let her bag fall down on the floor. There wasn't one but a thousand of dolls covering up the hardwood floor, staring at her with their naïve eyes and soft features. She grabbed one with a shaking hand and observed it.

"Syurei…"

She knew every single one of them by heart, all their meanings. Syurei was for eternal feelings; strong ones.


	19. She should have known better

**_She should have known better_**

He passed through the door, turned around and everything flew away. She forgot about the dolls and grabbed his neck; pushed him down on the mattress as her kiss was becoming bolder. Perhaps they weren't made to speak and it would remain in complete silence for life being too short for words; for not having a lot to confess. He didn't show the slightest bit of resistance and let her straddle him. Her gestures were confident, precise and efficient. She knew how to please him; how to make her caresses reach the ecstasy of the moment and all of a sudden, nobody could resist. It was in her eyes, her smile; the way she looked at you with a vague apprehension in her gaze as if you were about to hit her hard. She was scared before the inevitable fact of getting weak, at your mercy. She was divine.

Will responded to her kisses and captured her lips while taking off her top, unzipping her skirt and very soon her bare flesh made contact with his fingertips. Her body was warm and seemed to be so alive under his touch. He could feel her shiver, breathe louder; get tense under his touch. What was it about Karen that he could barely imagine himself somewhere else with her than in bed? Her tongue slid on his lower stomach; she buried her head in his inner thighs. He arched his back, pushed her closer to him. The seconds were flying away in a murmur of sighs and stifled moans. He rolled on top of her and they finally became one. She squeezed his waist; passed her arms around his torso then closed her eyes, feeling him all along her burning flesh, deep inside of her.

Her tongue got intertwined with his as a wave of pleasure ran through her whole body. She held him tight against her, shivering in his arms; in their kiss. His last thrusts made him join her in a boiling exhilaration of sensations. They rolled on their side and looked at each other, still being one. They didn't like putting an end to the fusion of their bodies as if they had built something together in the intensity of the moment and now that the calm was coming back over, they wanted to consolidate it instead of breaking apart, closing a carnal parenthesis. He caressed her cheek; she smiled, blushed and looked down at his chest moving up and down against her.

It hadn't even lasted ten minutes. She bit the inside of her mouth and swallowed back the regretful realization. The attorney had passed the door and she had rushed on him. For some reason she felt guilty, ashamed.

"Karen there's something I want to tell you."

The words had come against her lips in a slow motion of whisper. She looked back at him, a few inches away from his face. Her heart began to speed faster and she thought about the dolls, about Stanley; the first time she had kissed Will without really knowing why. She thought about Grace and Jack; about the past.

He frowned, forcing his confession to come out. It seemed painful for being so scary, too meaningful. His mouth was working in silence. He blinked before letting it all fall down.

"I met someone."

The tone of his voice was unsure and he sounded resigned but she didn't hear anything; only the way her heart was breaking into pieces. She felt like bursting into tears and laughing loud at herself for having dared to imagine that he could actually care for her. It had been stupid, ridiculous and shameful. A smile of despair played on her lips and she nodded slowly.

"That's great… Does that mean we…"

"No; well I mean not yet. It's too early, you know."

Will frowned before her lack of reaction. She looked confused, in shock. He cleared his voice and moved a little away from her but not a lot; still not completely breaking their fusion.

"Are you okay?"

"Hold me tight, honey. Please, hold me tight."

He hugged her quietly and kissed her head.

She should have known better than dreaming about such absurdities. He had been her lover since the very beginning and the rules were clear. Besides why would he get interested in her for something other than sex? Men were all alike. They never wanted to get to know Karen, just have their way with her. She had probably misunderstood his messages; the cuteness of his gesture and the symbols of the dolls. It was all about their friendship.

She rolled on her back and stared at the window. The rain had started pouring again and the neon of _The blue lagoon _got reflected in the bricks of the wall on the frame, piercing the glass and invading the room in a shy loneliness; a desperate attempt to make one with something, to find its soul mate. And then it would rest in peace.

Her certitudes imposed themselves in a harsh evident that night. She understood it all; from the reason why Will kept on seeing her to the spring of her silent pain over her heart. And if it had been blurry until then, a bright light had come on all of a sudden over the situation, in every single angle; unfortunately.

She might have got the fact that Will wanted casual sex and nothing else but she also had to face the conclusions of her own soul. She was in love with him. They had distinctive plans; he was even already dating someone else. It would never change.

She huddled against him and caressed his stomach absent-mindedly. At least he was still there, for the moment. It was better than nothing.

She should have known better than to let her feelings win over.


	20. Good morning my love

**_Good morning my love_**

It was funny to see how life seemed to be different while being in love. She woke up in the morning with a surge of lightness over her heart and thought about him immediately. Once you allowed your feelings to embrace your mind, the situation looked easier and the perpetual smile on your lips only reflected the brightness of a series of comparatives of superiority. Everything sounded right; the birds were singing in the background as the blueness of the sky caressed your mornings in a peaceful motion of hopes.

She always did her best to avoid the dark points of the story; the fact he was dating someone else and she would be dropped out at the end if the other person resulted to be the right one. Life was going on anyway. She laughed with Jack, smiled with Grace and moaned in Will's arms. Her time had been separated into three distinctive categories and nothing was supposed to make them cross each other. There were limits; the lines of her personal life that nobody but herself could enjoy properly. She was in control of it; had to.

She got up and stepped into the shower, humming an old tune all along. She hadn't felt like that for a very long while; in perfect harmony with her mind and her body. She would see the attorney in the evening. They met three times a week in Chinatown: Monday, Wednesday and Friday. He kept the other days for Grace and his new boyfriend that she hadn't had the chance to meet yet. Something kept on backing her up though, the silly hope that like for all the other ones, Will would end up giving him up before coming back to her arms in a faithful motion. She got a divorce, he broke up but they always ended up together; no matter what happened. It had to be a sign in the craziness of her lonely heart.

"Have you started a collection or something?"

Grace laughed and pointed out at the dolls. Some of them were in the stairs, others on the coffee table and a couple more on the counter top of the kitchen. That was for the first floor. The millionaire had spent a large amount of time trying to dispatch them all over the tiny flat. Getting rid of them had never come to her mind. They were too precious; harsh for reminding her of her failure with Will but nonetheless reassuring and sweet. She poured some tea in a mug and tended it to the interior designer before sitting down on the couch.

The afternoon was going smoothly. Both women seemed to have found back the spontaneity of their friendship, for whatever reason, and Karen felt relieved; happy. Besides the birth was imminent and she was looking forward to seeing the baby.

"I may have a thing for them, yes…"

"Or for the man who gave them to you; I guess…"

Grace's remark made her blush. She looked aside but noticed her friend's seriousness; that disturbing flame in her eyes as soon as she alluded to her lover. Could she actually know that it was Will? She pushed away such crazy idea and cleared her voice.

"Let's talk about something else if you don't mind."

An hour passed by and she was already thinking about her evening when it all set off; unexpectedly. Grace was stepping out of the bathroom when the shaky tone of her voice made Karen turn around and stare at her friend in confusion.

"I think it's time."

The dark-haired woman laughed a bit stupidly; she didn't understand anything. But the interior designer bent over all of a sudden and held her stomach. Karen's heart speeded up its pace, her mouth became dry and she felt like bursting into cries. It was supposed to happen with Will, not with her. He was the one who had gone to the Lamaze classes; he was Grace's moral support. He knew about pregnancy when she barely could say how to put a diaper on to a baby.

She grabbed her cell phone and called him. He was at his parents for the day; so far. The dialing tone resounded loud in the background and she sighed of relief as he finally took the call.

"Will honey, it's me. Things are happening here. We need you; I mean Grace does because the baby is coming and I don't know what to do and…"

She looked back at Grace who had grabbed the doorframe in a vain attempt to stifle the pain.

"Oh God Will… She's going to give birth in my living-room."

He laughed heartedly on the other end of the line. All those lies over Chinatown had led him to know the millionaire very well. She was in major panic, emphasizing it all.

"Okay Karen… You go to the hospital together. Anyway you live two blocks away from it so you can even go there by walking. Just because the contractions have begun doesn't mean that she's about to give birth; it can last quite a while. I will be there for the labor. Don't be worried."

They listened to him and headed to the clinic walking as a weird silence was spreading over their heads. Grace was concentrated on her breath; Karen felt helpless, absurd in this story. But for once the attorney had been wrong and he didn't make it in time. It went extremely fast and before the red-haired woman's imploring eyes, the millionaire abdicated and stayed in the labor room all along.

All the things she would have missed if she hadn't stayed with Grace; a whole life stirred up by the first cries of a child and this sentiment of abandon before happiness and incredulity. She looked speechless at the new-born being put on her friend's chest. She blinked.

Will was supposed to arrive within a minute now and both women were in the bedroom, observing in a tender motion of love the little girl opening slowly her eyes; moving her lips in silence. Karen smiled for the thousandth time at Grace; bit her lower lip. She was intimidated.

"Do you want to take her in your arms?"

She vigorously shook her head and made a step backwards but April suddenly turned towards her and moved her tiny hands. Very slowly Karen made contact with her niece and relaxed when the baby found comforting references in her arms. Something spread over her heart; a maternal feeling coming from nowhere.

"She's so cute, Gracie…"

"Then let's have your own one."

She scoffed but didn't dare to move; caring on a baby was a lot of responsibilities and she felt a bit tensed right now.

"Yeah sure; give me the name of the father please. I forgot it…"

"How about the man you're in love with, the one who gave you the dolls, Will?"

Her gasp got lost in the silence of their gaze and she didn't need to ask for more. It was all said. Grace knew everything. She put down the baby on the crib and looked down, confused. Years were falling apart all of a sudden. She hesitated between more lies and the veracity of her heart. She walked to the window; observed The Hudson River.

"He doesn't love me."

She had said it in a whisper, surprised before her own confession.

"He does; whomever he's dating. Don't give up your dreams."

The dark-haired woman turned around and frowned at her friend then shook her head evasively.

"I have to make some phone calls."

She caressed April's cheek slowly, smiled tenderly; her features deepened as she passed the door and rushed out. She crossed the street and went down to Riverside Park; ran to the first tree she saw and leaned against it before bursting into tears.


	21. Stop, look and choose

**_Stop, look and choose_**

"Take the bag, Jack. I can't carry it."

The actor nodded as Karen was looking back at April moving in her arms, against her chest. She had changed a lot within a week; they all had changed as a matter of fact. The baby had imposed another rhythm, a more peaceful one and time seemed to have been suspended with the first cries. Infinite details of a disturbing routine had been put aside and the single most important things had remained. Love, care, joy; it was like a rainbow of feelings that had wrapped up their hearts in a moving motion.

Will looked at the millionaire, unaware of Grace's gaze on him. She was in the living-room with Jack, a few steps away; taking care of the new-born. She had learned fast, spending an impressive amount of time reading books, chasing articles on the Web and now her gestures were precise and confident. It had nothing to do with the day of the birth or the awkward behavior she had used to adopt before motherhood until then. Something had been stirred up in her heart, a subconscious realization that from time to time, she could show to some people that she might be like everyone.

The interior designer bit her lower lip and observed the floor absent-mindedly. Had Karen spoken to Will? Why was he so quiet, why did he not dare to go towards the dark-haired woman when obviously he was dying to do it? It had hurt her, somehow; at one moment. But she cared way too much about them to let incertitude float above their heads. They deserved happiness and if it had to be a mutual one then she would do her best not to ruin it all for a couple of selfish intentions. She had called Jack. The taping had made them get closer and she was glad to have someone to share it with. It made things easier, more bearable. Her curiosity simply pushed her to wonder how their two friends may have come to such a situation.

"I won't come back to the office for four months. I want to take advantage of April as much as I can."

The attorney nodded, still studying the millionaire. She was kissing the baby's nose, smiling brightly.

"Who is going to substitute you?"

His question had been thrown indifferently in the conversation but it's only when he got the answer that he turned around and stared at Grace properly.

"Karen; Karen is going to run the office."

He could have burst out laughing, highlighting the craziness of such idea but he simply raised his eyebrow; then nodded.

"She's a very smart businesswoman; good choice."

The red-haired woman smirked and looked back at Jack who was now dancing all around her daughter in a bad impersonation of Cher.

"I know she is. She also knows that I like it when she's lazy."

She left the table and headed to the kitchen area where Will was preparing the dinner. Jack was still lost in the contemplation of April who was now resting on her mother's lap. Grace caught up the dark-haired woman's gaze and smiled. A burning sensation went straight to Karen's cheeks and she hurried out.

Both women hadn't spoken about it again. It had stayed trapped in the narrow bedroom of the hospital between the confession of well-known lies and the troubling reasons, still so blurry, over the way everything had come out to the light for Grace. Did Jack know about it too, since when?

She cleared her voice; he turned around and smiled. She grabbed a bottle of water and started playing with it nervously, observing the dish. April's birth had perturbed their schedule and she hadn't seen him for the whole week; hadn't called him. He hadn't done it either.

"Do I have a chance to see you soon?"

She bit the inside of her mouth and rolled her eyes, hating herself for sounding less confident in front of him. She looked like a ridiculous teenager when all she wanted to get was the heat of his body between her legs.

He put down a spoon and came closer to her before passing a hand on her waist. She froze, completely taken aback by his sudden gesture. They were always so careful while not being alone. She listened to the voices of their friends in the background, apparently still in the other room. She locked her eyes with his and the machine set off again. A mischievous smile played on her lips as her leg slightly pressed against his inner thigh. He pushed her against him and murmured against her lips.

"I kind of missed the boldness of our nocturne activities… It's definitely not the same when you're not here."

Her fingers got intertwined with his. She looked at them.

"You're pretty good with your hands though…"

"But definitely not as talented as your lips are on me."

He put an end to the discussion in a deep and hungry kiss. She didn't try to escape from it; no matter that Jack and Grace were in the room next door. She felt way too fine in his embrace. It sounded perfect.

They didn't wait for very long before finding themselve in the creepy hotel room and the intensity of their sighs in the gloomy light of the lamps; just a few hours after the dinner with their friends. They hailed a cab together from The Upper West Side and the sweet caresses of each other's ankles finally joined the relieving contact of their bare flesh as soon as they passed the door of _The blue lagoon._

Life was going on, twirling around; adopting new shades. Their own mentalities were evolving, adapting themselves to the passing of time but their closeness remained. She kissed him deeply in his last thrusts, trying to feed her heart his breath; then closed her eyes.

Love was addicting.


	22. The reason why

**_The reason why_**

"What are you waiting for, Karen?"

Her hand froze on April's cheek but it only lasted a couple of seconds; just the required time to get control over her mind and accept Grace's question, all the meanings led by the words. She smiled at the baby but also frowned, swallowing back an oppressive weight then shook her head in a vague motion.

"There's nothing to wait for."

The millionaire stood up and sighed, breaking her concentration over the baby and the wave of innocence the little girl was bringing. She looked at the interior designer and crossed her arms against her chest, swallowed by the coldness of adult life, its abruptness that contrasted sharply with the softness of babies' world.

"Oh come on, since when are you so shy with men? You're wasting your time for Christ's sake; and mine too. I'd like to see the two of you happy and free of any ridiculous obligations above what you still think is a secret while we all know about it."

Karen made a step backwards as the semi-anger of her friend hit her with strength. She blinked;her eyes wide open.

"What do you mean by 'we all know'? Whom are you talking about?"

Grace gasped and quietly wished she could have deleted her last remark and the compulsive confession she had made, no matter how involuntarily it had been. She cleared her voice and nervously grabbed a baby-sized kimono top; folding it meticulously. But it was too late and the vivacity of Karen's mind had analyzed the situation and already come to evident conclusions concerning Jack. She rolled her eyes, frustrated and began to pace the nursery room.

"We are definitely not made for each other, Gracie. When I dare to make a step forward, he goes back in retreat; when he does take the initiative, I'm way too coward to assume it. We will never be able to find the perfect harmony if there's ever been one anyway… Who tells you that he's not sweet with me in the name of our friendship? And because I can satisfy him… I'm just a useful part of his life. There is absolutely no feelings but sexual ones."

"No, I can't believe you. We're talking about Will, not the first man we cross in the street. Damn, the way he looks at you, his smiles; I know him by heart, Karen, and I can tell you that he's in love with you."

Grace choked a bit on the last word. She had never said it out loud even though her opinion was settled down, sitting firm. Things got such different shades while hitting the air in a whirl of lousy meanings. Karen's bitter laugh put an abrupt end to her wonders. She stared, intrigued, at the millionaire who raised her eyebrows before fixing the floor with confusion.

"If you know him that well then how come you didn't tell me earlier about this love affair?"

The red-haired woman didn't reply, touched by the truth of her friend's comment. She had to recognize that Karen was right. Will had been lying to her for a very long time and was still doing so. She might have overestimated the closeness of her relationship to the attorney.

"How did you get to know about us?"

Karen turned on her heels and leaned her head on a side, staring with perplexity at Grace. The interior designer blushed for a second then shrugged; cleared her voice, obviously embarrassed.  
"You didn't press the right button to shut off the digital camera. It had taped all along… I assume one of you forgot to delete the video."

Her cheeks turned into a lake of fire and she turned her back immediately. She felt so ashamed that she would have wished nothing but die at the scene, swallowed by an invisible entity. She leaned against the window and shivered under the contact of her palm against the coldness of the material. She closed her eyes, murmured.

"I'm so sorry…"

_For everything, for all these lies, for being unable to make it clear; please accept my apologies for being in love with him. _

Her fingers slid on her bra and she was about to unhook it when she stopped and looked all around. Will followed her gaze and frowned, confused. He was sat on the bed, looking at her stripping. She used to take her clothes off in a routine gesture, barely paying attention to his eyes on her body or at least she pretended so. She didn't try to make it sound sexy but her false innocence was irresistible and it drove him crazy.

"Is there something wrong?"

She bit her lower lip and grabbed a satin Chinese bathrobe; put it on, stepped in her high heels.

"Where are you going to in this lacy lingerie outfit?"

"I forgot something. I will be back in a minute."

Her hands clutched the large robe around her body and she disappeared in the corridor, leaving the attorney lightly confused on the bed. She came back almost immediately with a smile of triumph on her lips; hurried to her purse, turning her back at him.

"Here we are!"

The rustle of plastic paper stopped and very slowly she turned around. She was holding a muffin in her hand, lit up by a fine multicolored candle that she protected from the wind of her steps with her fingers. She kneeled down on the bed and came closer to him, singing all along.

"Happy birthday to you… Happy birthday to you…"

They had celebrated his birthday with Grace and Jack a couple of hours earlier so Karen's gesture surprised him a lot. She looked shy, vaguely uncomfortable; nervous even. She stopped a few inches away from his face and locked her eyes with his. The flame of the candle was getting reflected in her pupils unless they were just sparkling. She smiled and shrugged, almost apologizing; speaking in a whisper.

"Happy birthday, Will…"

She passed her tongue over her lips; took a deep breath.

"Will…"

She grabbed his hand, still holding the cake in the other one. She frowned, smiled, while swallowing back her tears. She restrained a laugh and felt her heartbeats speed up loud in her chest.

"Will… I love…"

Her lips started shaking; she hesitated and looked as her courage flew away. She shrugged, upset by her own behavior then found a poor excuse to finish her sentence.

"I love those double-chocolate muffins. I hope you will too."

What if he turned her down? What if he did not? The second option was even more scary and probably the reason why she couldn't manage to let him know about her real feelings for him


	23. The vapors of alcohol

**_The vapors of alcohol_**

Her lips made contact with the lipstick in a warm and natural embrace. She loved the sensation of its tiny weight on her mouth. It was reassuring, like the presence of an old friend who would never betray you. Her hand followed the classic gesture from left to right, embracing the curves of her flesh as she glanced at Jack in the reflection of the mirror. He was highly concentrated on her bras, observing the refinery lace in an admiring silence the darkness of the colors mischievously matching with her pale complexion.

"I like the red one, Karen; it's so _femme fatale_…"

She put down the lipstick and turned around on her chair, passing her legs on each side of it; straddling it before leaning her chin on the palm of her hand. Her foot was sliding on the hardwood floor. She narrowed her eyes and seemed to study her friend's suggestion. She looked like an old cabaret diva with her hair up in a loosely bun, some strands falling down on her face with that so-called carefree attitude before life as if nothing could surprise her anymore. She was biased.

"Then I need stockings, the whole sexy ensemble. Let's go for it."

She stood up and grabbed the lingerie from Jack's hands who was grinning at her, probably swallowing back a bitter envy to become her; Karen. Or at least the image he had got to build in his head because reality had nothing to be jealous about; she was a desperately common girl, way too shy to confess some feelings out loud.

She stepped in her bathroom and changed her underwear then grabbed a knee-length black skirt; putting it on before buttoning up a purple cardigan. She had lost weight lately for being so worried about her sentiments, for seeing him almost every night and some other reasons she didn't really understand. She felt ironically lighter when her heart had never weighed so much; perhaps a bit sexier but less self-confident though.

She came back to her room and smiled at Jack; turned around on her heels to let him admire her body.

"So what do you think?"

The actor sighed, rolled his eyes and seemed to get lost in a thousand fantasies.

"They're all going to fall down on their knees."

She picked up ruby earrings and pouted, staring at the ceiling; whispering.

"A single one would be enough for me."

"Well that doesn't depend on me."

The remark surprised her. He had never mentioned it, not even subtly, the importance of Will in her quiet existence, this part she didn't dare to bring to the light. His words had sounded bitter; not exasperated but sad, a bit tired. She froze, passed her tongue over her lips, swallowed hard and cleared her voice.

"Where are my cigarettes?"

A woman sat down next to her on the couch and burst out laughing. Karen restrained a sigh and plunged her lips in her martini instead. At least if she got drunk, maybe the air would become less oppressive. Just maybe.

The place was crowded and the music a bit too loud. Jack was dancing with some guy and the last time she had seen Will, he was stepping out on the terrace of the penthouse; accompanied. She had emptied her glass, got another one and regretted not staying with Grace and April at her friend's place. She might be a little too old for thess kind of parties now.

She raised a dubitative eyebrow before the amount of alcohol left in the glass she was holding then looked around. Everyone had someone to speak to, everyone but her. What was her problem?  
She took another martini as the room began to spin around.

It's only when he actually opened the door of her flat that she realized Will was holding her arms tightly. She looked at him and blinked before a bright smile played on her lips and she started giggling. Her fingers caressed his cheek and she moaned as he proceeded to make her enter the flat but her feet had denied the slightest effort. She slid on the floor, only carried by his own weight and it took the attorney forever to get her upstairs. She let him do as he put her down on the mattress. He turned around to grab a nightgown; her high heels flew away as she was fighting with the buttons of her cardigan, mumbling some incomprehensible diatribe about dysfunctional pieces of clothing.

"Where are you going young man?"

Her sudden question made him jump. He looked back at her; she winced and patted the bed next to her.

"Come here."

"Karen you're drunk."

He sat down though as she shook her head and sighed heavily.

"I am not. I'm just joyful. And that calls for a celebration."

She pretended to make a toast, raising her arm in the air but the gesture made her lose her balance. She fell down on the mattress, grabbing Will's neck. She locked her eyes with his as the new position got a whole different meaning and for a couple of seconds something in her gaze began to shine; the vapors of alcohol had gone away as soon as she had found the warmness of his arms. She started caressing his ankles with her feet; he tried to go away but she tightened her grip on him and frowned.

"I love you, Will."

She captured his lips in a hungry kiss. He knew she was drunk and the vodka had troubled her vision, making her brain cells dance all around in her head but her last sentence had stolen a sincere tone of voice in spite of all; as well as the way she was succumbing to his arms.

That's why he didn't break apart, didn't pull away.

He responded to the kiss. They rolled on a side.


	24. The other side of our life

**_The other side of our life_**

What looked like a hand pressing on her forehead turned into a powerful hangover all of a sudden, as Karen woke up with difficulty; moaning and stretching her legs in bed. She took a deep breath in a slow motion, as if the passing of air in her lungs would make her brain break into pieces under the slightest showing of impatience. She rolled on her side and bumped into someone, her bare flesh embracing her anonymous companion's one unexpectedly. She froze, opened her eyes, winced before the light but finally sighed, relieved. Will was sleeping peacefully next to her. It was just him.

Her eyes stared at the ceiling for a couple of seconds and it's when it hit her; the absence of noise coming from the street, the smoothness of a well-known mattress and the smell of her perfume filling the room. She sat up and swallowed back a wave of nausea. It was spinning around unless the world was really falling apart. She looked at the attorney, all her things that littered the hardwood floor; her own house. Her breath became louder and she began to panic, grabbed the sheets around her naked body and got up but her feet got trapped into the bedspread and she fell down in a cacophony of books and magazines accompanying her misfortunate gesture.

Will woke up suddenly, his heart beating loud in his chest. He looked on his right and blinked.

"Karen, are you there?"

He could see the millionaire's figure on the floor, wrapped in an ensemble of sheets. He rolled on his stomach and approached her side of the bed.

"Karen, are you okay?"

A heavy silence spread over the room but it only lasted a few seconds until the millionaire's high-pitched voice pierced the air and she started moving fast to get rid of the sheets.

"Oh my…"

Her hazel eyes followed the nurse's fingers working on her swollen thumb. She moved a little under the pain; bit the inside of her mouth and finally thanked the young woman in white when the job was done. From a movement of balance of her legs, she found the firmness of the floor, grabbed her bag left on the bed and motioned to Will that she was ready to leave.

A dislocated thumb; her mattress was on the floor and she had managed to dislocate a finger while falling down from an absolute inexistent height. They stepped out in the streets in a perfect silence for Karen feeling so ashamed; for him not knowing what to say. The emergency had brought a high dose of adrenalin and put an abrupt parenthesis over the typical discomfort of 'the morning after'. Led by their anxiety and evident panic, their chances to clear it all had flown away immediately and the comeback to some peaceful routine had started to weigh a lot on their shoulders. It was almost sharper than Karen's injury.

She kept on staring at the asphalt as they went up Riverside Drive. It was a cold morning; the air was chilling and the streets almost desert, punctuated by a very light traffic, a car, a shortbus from time to time. They reached her building; she opened the door of her flat and let him go upstairs to retrieve his cell phone that he had forgotten in their quick rush to the hospital. She took off her coat, threw it on the couch and waited for the attorney to return. She looked at his feet appear on the stairs, his legs, his chest, his face; she cleared her voice and opened back the door to let him leave.

"Karen…"

"Go away."

Her coldness took him aback. He made a step towards her but froze as she locked her eyes with his. Her features were deep, in lack of sleep but she certainly was in full control of her mind. Alcohol seemed to have faded away in a harsh pace. She shook her head; sighing.

"Damn we're not in Chinatown, Will. This is my house. It belongs to the other side of our life. There's no sexual encounter here; it's not the right place. We had rules for Christ's sake. What happened to them? We're not supposed to meet up here for our nocturnal little sessions. It's not creepy here; it's mine. It's me…"

She felt like the dirtiness of _The blue lagoon _had invaded her whole space, stolen her world; ruined her references. She didn't want distinctive rooms, different places. It was a need, a vital one to keep alive and a firm ounce of balance in her so-called existence. But they had crossed the lines of the only important thing she cared about. Will opened his mouth to reply but she stopped him, hand in the air.

"I was drunk. That's all it's about. I had too many drinks and… I will gladly see you tonight if you want but not here, never more. I won't fuck you here. It's wrong."

"But do you remember…"

"Gosh I was drunk; boozed, hammered. I know what I did. Yes I do remember; and what I said too."

Her voice broke down but she barely showed it and took a sharp breath; burning her lungs, tearing her heart.

"It was breeze, Will. How can you trust someone who had way too many martinis?"

He left; she closed the door and rushed to the kitchen. She grabbed a jar and tried to open it but it twisted her injured thumb. She made a face under the pain and let go of the object that smashed on the floor in a thousand little diamond-shaped pieces of glass. She stared blankly at it and screamed, a bit frustrated before bursting into tears in the quietness of her flat.

_Will you ever forgive me?_


	25. Through semiwords

**_Through semi-words_**

She switched her position for the hundredth time within a minute; crossing her legs, passing her tongue over her lips, twisting her hands, wishing nothing more than for the door to open and Will to appear. She had been harsh to him without any good reason but a wave of anger towards herself though it was so easier to make the others pay for our own regrets. The day had sounded long, eternally painful and the hours had balanced between the oppressing idea that she had ruined it all and he would never come to Chinatown again and the absurd hope that very soon, she would be able to hold his hand through the streets of New York.

The neon must have been broken because for once its lights didn't reflect on the walls of the room, or the bedspread she was sat on. She had arrived early. Sunday was such a lovely day when you had someone to share it with but as soon as the shadows of loneliness seemed to invade your life, it turned into the sweet nightmare of pointless moments spent in the silence of old dreams. She hated that, even more after the fit she had thrown in the morning.

_"You will know it. Something will come to embrace your heart, tighten it and then by the trick of some chemistry, you will know what love is."_

The dark-haired woman smiled before the reminiscence of her grandmother's words. They used to be close, once. She remembered her scent, a mix of rose and whisky and the brightness of her smile. She loved cuddling in her arms and let precious time go by, conversing about the way existence was. She had learned it all from the old woman, an eccentric Latin teacher that had dreaming of nothing but becoming an aviator. She had died a few days after the first flight of The Concord; probably taking away the sublime image of progress of planes in her eternal soul.

She was thinking about the eventuality to leave when he came in. She looked up at him; her heart speeded up its pace as an odd automatism made her swallow back the tears that were asking for a release ,welling up in her eyes. She didn't move, trapped on the bed, paralyzed by her fears. His face was expressionless and she started thinking that it had definitely come to an end. He sat down on the edge of the mattress, quietly; locked his eyes with hers.

Very slowly she spread her legs, showing the paleness of her skin on her inner thighs; under the fine fabric of her stockings. It was all instinctive, disgustingly carnal but she was dying for it. He bent over and began to caress her ankles. She held her breath, thanking whoever was looking after her for his gestures. He went up slowly by her knees, the inside of her legs and settled between them to finally come face-to-face with her; a few inches away from her lips. She frowned, shook her head but he grabbed her chin and her apologies got lost in their kiss.

They laid on the bed as his hand went down her leg and his lips reached her neck. She looked at him kiss her bare shoulders then closed her eyes as his mouth made contact with her breasts. He unbuttoned her cardigan; unhooked her bra. She smiled and passed a hand through his hair wishing they could stay in this room for the rest of their life and forget all the rest because what they needed was there. He got rid of her skirt before concentrating on her stockings; his tongue playing with her skin, drawing invisible circles over it. Her sensations were boiling in her stomach and she pressed him harder against her body to accelerate his foreplay or she wouldn't be able to wait for him any longer. He came back to her mouth and kissed her deeply. They sat up; she undressed him, pushed him back on the mattress and straddled him.

With expert hands and a complete self-control she unzipped his pants and took them off before leaning over to kiss his inner thighs, teasing him all along; vaguely caressing his whole length of him in a light brush. She finally got rid of his boxers then looked at him in silence, staying perfectly still on his chest. She could feel his stomach following his breathing between her legs; his skin was warm, perfect. She grabbed her hair grip; threw it on the bedside table as long dark hair fell on her shoulders, reaching her breasts. She had kept her promise and never cut it. It had grown fast in loosely curls of ebony that contrasted with her pale complexion. Will passed his hands through it; he seemed fascinated. A smile played on his lips and she captured it in a sensual kiss as they rolled on a side; becoming one.

He began to move and she grabbed his shoulders in a protective attempt as he passed on top of her and she squeezed his waist tighter. His swollen lips were flirting with her neck through a fight of light kisses; one of his hands firmly clutched to her hip. They weren't moaning, not even sighing but just losing their breath in the sensations brought by their thrusts. How did he always manage, no matter the position they adopted, to press against her sensitive spots; to kiss her right where she was dying for him to do so? It began to warm up her stomach and she felt it come suddenly. She kissed him back and shivered against him as her tongue was intertwined with his. He did as well within a second apart. The synchronization made her smile in his mouth as the wave of pleasure was paralyzing her body, aching her back but she nonetheless kept on kissing him.

They broke apart and she swallowed hard, breathless; leaned her forehead against his and locked her eyes with his brown ones.

"I was so scared to miss you, Will."

The confession came through semi-words, a long whisper blown against his lips. She cared way too much about him to put an end to everything.


	26. In the shadows rest your lips on mine

**_In the shadows rest your lips on mine_**

She stepped into her heels, adjusted her feet in them and slammed the door of her flat before hurrying outside. She took a deep breath while on the sidewalk, looked on her right then began to walk, a bright smile on her lips. She felt light. The sun was shining; the air was warm as the scent of the flowers was going to her head in a motion almost as dizzy as Will's kisses on her neck.

They had buried their one-night stand at her flat in the depths of their mind, lost in some corner; in the dark. The world was going on as if nothing had ever happened and Karen's life was led by the schedule of her Chinatown affair; deliciously charmed, in love. She had come to a point where the rest didn't matter anymore. He could date a thousand different guys and it wouldn't steal her smiles as long as she was assured to find herself in his arms at the end of the day. Existence was made of compromises, like a marriage; any kind of union. You refused the deal and died because of it or you accepted it in silence before taking advantage at the most of the situation; it was more about adaptation and she cared way too much about Will to let him fly away, angrily blinded by her whims.

She speeded up the pace of her steps as the gates of Central Park began to appear in front of her. She caught the reflection of her gaze in a window store and blushed. She looked ridiculously happy; her features owning the grace of innocence. She felt like she was fourteen years old again but with a hopeful future in front of her; probably for already knowing how not to repeat adult mistakes. She had to be free and bite into her life as if tomorrow were the last day during which she would be allowed to breathe.

Grace was waiting near the corner of Central Park West, holding April in her arms. The baby started moving, giggling as she saw Karen arrive. She tended her little hands, which made the millionaire's heart melt. Having a child on her own had never been a dream; just a vague idea that might have stopped by her mind a couple of years ago when things were going well with Stan. Then it had taken a different shade and so she had naturally drawn a line under an eventual pregnancy with the husband. Why would she have a child when her marriage was falling apart?

She had started a new life now but one more time it seemed that the situation wasn't appropriated for it. Perhaps she wasn't made for a child; looking after April was a luck in itself and she felt fine with it.

She took Grace's daughter in her arms and kissed her head; smiling at her friend.

The interior designer frowned and looked at her a bit perplexed.

"Where is your chair?"

She was way too focused on April now and Grace's question barely worried her.

"Which chair are you talking about?"

"It's a picnic, Karen. We're going to have to sit down at one moment and the grass is a lot more pleasant than a bench."

"Then I will sit down on the grass. Where's the problem?"

Grace blinked, completely taken aback by the dark-haired woman's attitude. She was so relaxed, all smiles with the baby; not the least bit preoccupied by the rest. She was wearing a knee-length dark skirt with a matching top; contrasting with the paleness of her skin. She looked divine.

"Okay then let's go. They're waiting for us."

She had sat down next to Jack. Had he chosen his place according to her? Was it a strategy or the simple case of fate if he had happened to be on her right? The lunch went smoothly, mainly centered on April; light conversations. She stretched her arms and lay down on the grass as Grace stood up with her daughter in her arms. She needed to change her diaper.

The world seemed different from the ground; the smells, the colors, the slightest sensation. The perspectives were more intense; it looked bigger, intimidating. Jack's cell phone rang and he left the peaceful area to answer it, pacing absent-mindedly. Her hazel eyes slid on her right. She knew he was there, quietly sat down next to her; perhaps studying her, thinking about their next night in Chinatown. She took off her heels and plunged her feet in the grass; he laid down next to her but the shadow of a Frisbee rushed on them. She leaned up on her elbow and gasped. The attorney grabbed the toy and threw it back to its owner; a little boy of ten playing with his dad who apologized.

"Gosh I thought you would get your head chopped off, honey."

Will laughed and settled down next to her; looking at her. She smiled, almost shyly under the loud beats of her heart and the butterflies in her stomach. It was good to feel fine, almost surreal.

Her hand that had been resting on her stomach slid slowly on the grass, coming closer to his as she kept on staring at him; her eyes sparkling. Her index brushed his thumb; she suspended the movement and waited for his move. Another brush and this time she intertwined her fingers with his; closed her eyes, and leaned over until their lips made contact in a light and chaste kiss.

She felt a warm sensation explode in her body and the shadow of the leaves caress her cheek. They broke apart but kissed again immediately through a soft trail of longer and longer ones; deepened then when his hand passed on her stomach and she grabbed his neck, smiling in his mouth.

Grace was coming back to their area, and met Jack on her way. They walked together towards the tree under which they were sat. She grabbed his hand and stopped him before motioning in silence at Will and Karen a few steps away. Something happened in her heart, a bittersweet disillusion as if their current embrace, the way they were kissing, was breaking the virtual effect of the video that she had watched into pieces; as if she might have come to think at one moment that it couldn't but be fictive and nothing more.

She stared at them in silence, observing how their lips made contact; the way her knee had slid against his leg and she had rolled on her side. It sounded right; cute. She smiled at Jack and they went for a walk, leaving Will and Karen alone for a little while.


	27. For hiding feelings

**_For hiding feelings_**

They had broken apart, rocked by the butterflies that had gone up from their stomach to their head, making them smile like a couple of fools. A few seconds had passed by before a slight panic invading her mind and she had turned around abruptly, focalized on Grace who had forgotten to take April's teddy bear; breaking down the magic of their kiss, the first one in public. She wished she would have been able to assume everything with calm and responsibility as any adult was supposed to do but something seemed to set off as soon as they brushed the limits of a serious relationship; with way too many meanings weighing upon her shoulders.

She didn't understand where her blocks came from. She had never had any doubts with the other men of her life so why was it so hard to accept it with Will, to dare to make a step forward and try? Perhaps because until now her existence had been nothing but a series of failures announced by impulsive rushes; and now she dreaded the next one because one day, it would end up killing her with a lot of cruelty. Karen sighed and looked down at her feet. What if he didn't feel the same and all she would get was a heavy silence over a shameful misunderstanding.

She opened the door and smiled brightly at Jack who was sat on the couch, leafing through some magazine. She kissed the top of his head; passed her fingers through his hair before settling in his arms.

"How are things going, Jackiebear?"

The actor shrugged. His obvious embarrassment tightened her heart and she frowned, looking at him a bit too nervously. His hand pressed her arm; he planted a kiss on her temple then murmured.

"I love you, Karen."

The millionaire vaguely smiled, touched by his gesture of attention even though it only hid a reason that an old instinct pushed her to think it would hurt her. She was concerned, way too much. She opened her mouth to speak but he cut her off.

"He's coming. Will's date is coming for diner."

A rainbow of emotions passed over her heart but she only memorized the darkest ones; she smiled automatically, the brightest yet most painful one. But the truth was that she felt stupid, nothing else; incredibly stupid and hurt by her own feelings.

A few seconds flew away without any of them saying the slightest thing and then she shrugged, rolled her eyes to prevent the tears from falling.

"Why, it's pretty fair, isn't it?"

Jack bit the inside of his mouth, stifling the words that were asking to come out; sharp comments about Karen's stasis. He tightened the embrace around her tiny frame and came back to the beginning of the conversation.

"I love you, Karen."

The worst of all was that he was nice, polite, good-looking and funny. She would have appreciated him a lot in other circumstances but right now as his hand was resting on Will's, she only felt like hating him. She avoided the attorney's gaze as if the mere eye-contact with him would turn her into a statue of ice and she played the indifference card all along; no matter how her beating heart was breaking into pieces and running out of her body as soon as she breathed.

She wasn't a jealous person, not even possessive but simply lacked self-confidence and for having been dropped out so many times, for having bear in silence the loneliness of icy nights, she had built a shield before her heart that didn't match at all with the person she was; with her aspirations, her dreams. She had way too many hopes as soon as she let someone pass the doors of her arms and taste her life.

She yawned, stretched her legs on the bed and blinked, staring blankly at the ceiling through the smoke of her cigarette. She thought about Will and his date who would probably spend the night together at the attorney's place. She rolled on her side and poured some more wine in the empty glass resting on the bedside table; sipped it. Then why had she come there if it was to stay lonely? They had repaired the neon and the blue light seemed brighter on her feet; _The blue lagoon _in English becoming one with _The blue lagoon _in Chinese engraved in her skin.

The room began to spin around. She was drunk and high, rocked by the fragrance of weed she had been smoking. Her body seemed lighter, vaguely sleepy but in need of caresses, trails of kisses along her legs; on her inner thighs, her breasts. She closed her eyes and moaned as she imagined him making his way on her bare flesh, stirring up burning feelings in the depths of her stomach before reaching the ecstasy of a long and powerful orgasm.

Her fingers slid from her neck to more sensitive areas. She arched her back, closed her eyes and sighed heavily. Alcohol always tended to get her horny; a bit more seductive.

She missed his smell though, the heat of his body against hers; his weigh. Her ministrations worked out in spite of all and very soon a wave of hotness embraced her face as her arousing reached a point of no-return. His lips made contact with her skin in a fictive motion; he would have kissed her there, caressed her hips with soft fingers and his thrusts would have become deeper; faster, more intense. He would have done all that if only he had been there.

She bit her lower lip and stayed still as a wave of pleasure ran through her body; getting her muscles tensed under the pressure of such a boiling sensation. She held her breath before releasing the air from her lungs in a slow motion as her climax was fading away peacefully.

She lit another cigarette and looked at the empty side of the bed. These things did happen when you kept on hiding your feelings. And then you were lonely, so lonely.


	28. Because there is no tomorrow

**_Because there is no tomorrow_**

The summer wrapped up New York in a hot and irrespirable atmosphere where strong smells got mixed with an implacable and persistent heat. The world seemed to turn into sweat that not even the coolness of the night falling over the city managed to ease. The air had been burned into a torrent of fire that brought a dry apathy, an exhausting torpor to people's slightest gestures. She used to hold his head close to her body, between her legs, as his tongue was brushing her flesh in consecutive waves but as soon as she arched her back and closed her eyes the multiplied sensations got troubled by a drop of sweat running down her spine; her breath was loud, her lungs in pain for not finding the right dose of oxygen.

The fork danced in the plate, making the lettuce twirl around the cherry tomatoes, pushing away the olives as the fine chips of parmesan plunged in the depths of the dip. She wasn't hungry at all. The high temperatures had slowed down her metabolism and all she could think about was the pleasure of some drink sliding along her throat, giving life back to her senses. The lunch was rocked by the permanent humming noise of the air conditioner and the repeated sighs of the customers, trying in vain to fill their chest with the required dose of air.  
Grace folded the newspapers she was reading and cleared her voice, still lost in some article.

"Listen to that, Karen…"

The millionaire raised an indifferent eyebrow towards her friend and grabbed her martini. Her whole body seemed to relax under the contact of the cool glass with her skin in a hungry anticipation of relief.

"According to investigation led in Nebraska, 95 per cent of women between 30 and 50 years old think that their sexual partner suffers from early ejaculation… So?"

She choked on her drink and coughed loudly, making people turn around; stare at her with curiosity. Her cheeks were burning; her hands shaking. She calmed down a little but a smile began to play on her lips. She felt like bursting out laughing but she was way too intimidated; she had been taken by surprise. Her usual self-confidence had flown away like a house of cards under the interior designer's mischievous insinuation.

She took a deep breath and passed her tongue over her red lips; shrugging.

"First of all I don't live in Nebraska and second of all… There's 5 per cent left."

Grace pouted, obviously disappointed by the chaste reply. Coming from the eccentric Karen, she had expected something bolder; an ounce of confession. She looked furtively at a waiter circulating between the tables before narrowing her eyes dreamingly.

"I always knew he was a good fuck…"

"Damn Grace, shut up!"

Karen cleared her voice, studied the room in an embarrassed silence then lowered her voice.

"You have sexual withdrawal symptoms or what? Since when do you speak about men's erections and their capacity to make it last a little while?"

The remark made the interior designer smile, amused by her friend's reaction. It didn't look like Karen to be embarrassed before such topic. It was cute to see her so intimidated; surprising but nonetheless touching. Did that mean the dark-haired woman had never had so strong feelings for someone that all of a sudden she had difficulties to assume them properly? Had she never been in love before? The eventuality hit Grace with a cold sharpness. She started thinking about Karen's husbands; the men she had shared her life with. Her conclusions were blurry, a bit lame.  
"Does he know that you love him?"

The lightness of their talk vanished in a whirl of bitterness. The millionaire looked aside and raised her eyebrows, vaguely resigned.

"I don't know, maybe… I haven't told him…"

"But he's not that stupid. He must have guessed something."

"Then why does he spend so much time with him?"

She looked at Grace with sadness and despair as if she were pleading to her friend for an answer; the right one that would relieve her heart and ease her pain.

'Him'; she couldn't even say his name, his status according to Will. She was right though. The attorney had spent a larger amount of time with his date and for two weeks in a row Karen and him hadn't met at the hotel; hadn't phoned each other.

And then he had come back, one night; as if nothing had happened. She had got his text message in the afternoon; waited for him hungrily and within a minute they were panting on the floor of the room, clothes littering the bed as she was succumbing to his kisses again.

Grace frowned, shrugged; almost apologized in front of her.

"I have no idea."

They paid for their lunch and walked in opposite directions. Karen went back to the office as Grace headed to some medical appointment for April. Her high heels sounded loud in the silence of the room. She sat at her desk and began to file her nails.

She was vaguely falling asleep when some steps made her jump. She turned around and looked at him. He was standing on the doorframe, briefcase in hands. Hiding her surprise she smiled at him; spread a bit her legs. They had never done it at the office, for it breaking the rules of their implicit and absurd pact, but she felt like sending everything to hell for once; the compromises, the lies, the weight of impossibility.

He smiled back at her and shook his head, amused. But it only lasted a couple of seconds and very soon a troubling flame invaded his eyes. He straightened in his suit, looked down at the floor. He seemed confused, scared. She froze before his attitude and started shaking uncontrollably. A long and painful sigh escaped from his lips and he locked his gaze with hers; murmuring.

"I need to talk to you, Karen."

Something stopped in her heart and the sudden iciness caused by the change contrasted sharply with the heat of the air. _Don't do that, honey. Please don't do that; not now._  
Why do we love like there is no tomorrow when obviously everything always comes to an end?

She looked at the hardwood floor and swallowed back the bitterness of her thoughts; then nodded.


	29. You

**_You_**

The attorney put down his briefcase and made a few steps forwards; each one sounding loud in Karen's chest, making her heart speed up its pace. He stopped a few inches away from her; twisting his hands.

"There's something extremely important that I want to say to someone. I've been thinking a lot about it lately but I'm not sure the words are the right ones. You're smart and a good judge; that's why I need your opinion about it."

She kept on nodding, trying desperately to forget about her feelings because obviously all Will could see through her was friendship; a close one perhaps, a bit peculiar but it had nothing to do with her own quiet wishes.

He leaned on her desk, caressed the wood with his fingertips and took a deep breath, speaking to her as if she were the person his message was dedicated to. She jumped, surprised by it at the beginning then listened to him.

"I love you. I guess I always did somehow; since the first day I saw you. Isn't it funny how time can pass by or fade away while our feelings remain alike? I didn't try to convince myself that it was wrong; what for? I accepted it in silence as we kneel down before the weight of life because we have no other choice. We might fight over and over but we will always end up losing. It's not the kind of game that we can dominate so we get resigned; and it's fair enough. I never showed you anything, the slightest piece of my heart but for some reason one day you did. I couldn't push you away; no matter how I should have done it for a thousand motives. My gestures haven't been clear and I'm afraid you've mistaken them, minute after minute. I wasn't confused about you but frightened. I am still; but I have to tell it because I'm so tired. Perhaps you're just like me and by saying how much you mean to me, I'm ruining it all but in my craziest fantasies you always end up smiling at me; rushing into my arms then whispering to my ear that I'm the one you chose. I'm not asking for a kiss or to hold your hand in public, I know you're shy and dread people's gazes on you. I don't want anything back, not really. My aim is a lot more selfish; it's all about me and my feelings, the way my heart beats faster as soon as I'm with you. The worst of all is that I'm so happy. I found something in you that I didn't think existed. I just want to thank you for everything. Accept my apologies if I embarrass you while saying that I love you."

From all the people he knew, Karen wondered why he had to choose her. She had wished nothing but being the one to whom Will's message was destined for but now that he had stopped speaking the spell led by his voice had broken into pieces and was digging a burning path through her heart.

It hurt, made her feel ashamed and ridiculous; hopeful too, for whatever reason as if she hadn't had enough and were asking for a bigger punishment for having dared to love him.  
Before her lack of reaction the attorney cleared his voice and looked around nervously; murmuring his words in a very low voice.

"So what do you think?"

She swallowed back a sigh; buried her tears.

"It's perfect, honey."

"Thank you."

He kissed the top of her head, grabbed his briefcase and left. For a couple of seconds the dark-haired woman stayed still, unable to move; trapped on her chair, lost in her thoughts, her dark regrets. Then very slowly it all came back to her; her heartbeats, the heat of the summer. She was thirsty.

She stood up and let her steps guide her to the fridge where she picked up a bottle of water though the coldness of the drink on her throat made her choke; unless it was caused by her tears. She coughed and leaned over her desk.

"Karen…"

His voice made her gasp and she made an instinctive step backwards; a hand on her chest. She rolled her eyes, put down the bottle and stared at him. He was back on the doorframe. A timid smile began to play on her lips but it got lost so quickly that it only traced a vague path of hope on her face. Sadness substituted it immediately but she bit the inside of her mouth and found the courage not to break eye-contact with him.

For the second time he let go of his briefcase and made a few steps forwards; stopping in front of her.

"Karen, the person I want to tell all that to…"

_It's him. Of course it can't be me. So please, stay quiet over it. I don't need to hear it._

He looked down furtively before locking his eyes with hers then came closer to her body. She could almost feel his heart beating in his chest; her own so vital organ dying quietly. That was the main difference between the two of them. He had dreams; she owned failures, broken hearts that the passing of time had made it look like complicated jigsaws joined by eternal scars.

"Karen, it's you. I love you."

Isn't it funny how we love these kind of scenes in movies but never dare to apply them to our reality? Why do we keep on preventing ourselves from living such happy twists?  
Karen frowned; blinking before his words.


	30. A year later

**_A year later_**

She leaned her elbow on the table, never breaking eye-contact with him. She knew his pupils by heart, now; the slightest rainbow of different browns lighting them. They stayed quiet, absorbed by their silly game. A smile began to play on her lips as her chin came to rest on the palm of her hand and she succumbed one more time to the sweetness of his gaze.

She felt like laughing all the time, showing the entire world how fine she was; thanks to him. Could life be so easy while depending on a single feeling? Love; it fell on you without any warning and all of a sudden everything changed, it got hopeful shades. She shook her head, biting her lower lip. He leaned over and planted a kiss on her lips, a light one; like every morning now.

"Are you ready?"

His fingertips brushed her cheek. She closed her eyes before nodding and standing up. Will grabbed his jacket; slamming the door behind them.

The sky was blue and the air extremely warm, as soft as a feather sliding on your skin. Karen plunged her hand in the attorney's pocket and intertwined her fingers with his as she used to do so many times before; feeling protected from the abruptness of the outside by a fine layer of fabric and the strength of her faith towards him. They started walking peacefully, vaguely seeing the trees of Central Park on the very far end of the street.

"Slow down, honey…"

"Excuse me."

He did immediately and pressed her fingers tighter in a quiet motion of honest apologies. She looked down, smiling softly.

Had the tree grown in a year? She wouldn't have been able to say but the shadows of the leaves seemed to be alike, always so protective over their gestures. She restrained a yawn and leaned against his chest; her head on his shoulder as his legs were wrapping hers and he embraced her waist with his arms.

"Do you think that time passes by too fast?"

Her question made him frown. Somehow it was a logic that everybody always advanced but now that he was thinking about it, perhaps things were a bit different. He shrugged and cleared his voice. His hand came to rest on her stomach; she pressed it.

"I guess it depends on how you deal with it. Yes it does pass by fast but it's not a reason to look at it bitterly. We have to take advantage of every second."

He kissed her temple and she relaxed against him. She thought in the first place that it was a coin forgotten in the depths of her pocket when her fingers made contact over the fabric with a metallic item. She reached inside and froze curiously; then took it out and stared at it in silence, gently putting it down in the palm of her hand. Will joined her in her perplexity; he laughed.

"What are you doing with it?"

He would have recognized the key even in the deepest darkness. He had kept it on him all the time during those three years like some lucky charm, an addicting one that fed his heart of hopes and love.

"I guess I forgot to give it back…"

She narrowed her eyes and brushed the letters engraved on the key; _The blue lagoon_.

They hadn't gone back there since the day Will had made the first step at the office under the implacable heat of the summer. They had turned the page, almost relieved and she had simply thrown herself in his arms, barely believing that it was finally happening.

The rest had been so logical, natural. He had moved to her place and life had just gone on in a perfect cadence.

"They never asked for it from you?"

Karen shook her head, laughing so lightly under the reminiscence of a time she had thought so far but that came back so easily to her mind now.

"I never gave them my real name, honey."

She put back the key in her pocket, patting it in a final motion and intertwined her fingers with his. Will looked down at them and couldn't help laughing.

"Karen, do you ever take a shower? You still have paint on your fingers."

Her pale skin was vanishing under subtle touches of light purple that punctuated her fingers in a haphazard motion. She rolled her eyes; blushed.

"I can't get rid of it. Obviously I should have directed the operations from a chair and you would have done it all by yourself. Painting a room is the stupidest thing I have ever done."

Will didn't reply, knowing how much the millionaire meant the exact opposite.

Some people approached all of a sudden. Karen opened her arms widely.

"Oh April, come over here!"

Grace put down the toddler on the grass. The little girl vaguely stumbled backwards before finding her balance and making unsteady steps towards the dark-haired woman. The attorney stood up to welcome Jack then hugged Grace. The three of them turned around and stared at Karen.

April was clutched in her arms, all ears before what the millionaire was saying; the little palm of her hand resting on Karen's eight-month-pregnant stomach.

_Time passes by too fast, Will. But I don't care because all I'm thinking about are eternal feelings that would remain somewhere in both of our hearts long after we would have closed our eyes._

The baby kicked. She smiled at Will, hopeful, as the neon of _The blue lagoon _faded away in her mind and disappeared in a cardboard box marked 'the past'


End file.
